What is a fear unique to you that should be shared by the world? If you were given control over the internet, which seemingly beneficial website would you immediately take down? Could you beat an antelope in a race? Comedian Caleb Synan answers these and a slate of other quirky, lightning round questions. The answer to the antelope question gets dark quickly.
Caleb Synan is a preacher’s kid from Georgia but is also a millennial living in LA, so his comedy is relatable to any crowd. You have seen him on Conan, Last Comic Standing and Bill Burr’s stand up show “The Ringers” on Comedy Central, as well as his special Funny For a Man (https://orcd.co/funnyforaman).
He is also the host of the What's It Called podcast along with Dave Ross (https://linktr.ee/whatsitcalled).
And, he makes a mean margarita.
Follow him across social media and be sure to catch him when he comes to a comedy club near you.
People around here trust the shepherds. Jamie. In the other Jamie, they always have the sheep trust her to gather around. I'll throw another log on the fire. Turn it up just a touch with another episode of the podcast is starting now. Brand new episode of the podcast starts now. Jamie Bendele Jamie, Hernan Adam. Hey, this is our second episode where our guest is actually with us. While we're recording the episode. They're always with us in spirit. This one is actually physically with present. Yeah, major distinction. This is live guest absent audience. So Sean Patton recorded at the festival podcast Festival award winning by the way, guest appropriately waiting for their real introduction. Yes, to join us good on the microphone. Comedian Caleb son. That's me. So welcome to the podcast. We're starting this off a little bit differently, no longer call the metro Atlanta area home living in Los Angeles. That's true. So things been going well on there. They went really well for a few years. And then COVID happened, it got lame, but now it's kind of cool again, but a man before cut boy, California was a worst state we had. And I had all these clubs I was doing and going to the beach. And it was just like, it was like in a movie where I was like, life doesn't get better than that. And then it was like as it's coming out of my mouth. I'm like it. Like it was literally the month it was the best month of my life. It was March 2020. I was like, This is gonna be the most money I've ever made the most gigs I've ever had. Everything's going good. Everything's going great. I was literally like saying it to my dad. Like I finally made it. And then everything just it was. But now it's kind of back working the way back. Yeah. Well, I want to see a web short with Caleb, in the first part is the intro like an old sitcom where he's, you know, at the club, and then he's prancing on the beach, and there's that happy music and then all of a sudden it just like, oh, yeah, right. He's like, I got one more big job. And then everything goes off the rails. And I got to see what retirement would be like, but just with no money. Yeah. I'm reading the paper, and I'll watch Star Wars again. I always prefer those time periods to be considered fixed income. It was fixed, right? But think about how much you saved on income taxes. Oh, all of it. Alright, okay, this is a game show style format. We ask questions, we allow those answers to have the conversation develop very first question we ask is always to kind of set the tone. And that question is clockwise or counterclockwise or clockwise. Alright, clockwise. Thank you. All right, if all the employees of Home Depot, and they had access to all the items in the home depot of every home depot across the United States, went to war with all the employees of CVS. And CVS had access to all the things in CVS. Hmm, who wins? Well, I would think CVS because they're gonna get hurt, but they can fix themselves up. There's a lot of stuff. There's a lot of total witches and medical type stuff in there. And I think that would be as effective. Because if you can't get healed, what do you do? I mean, it's like, and I've been at Home Depot. It's a lot of lumber. It is duct tape. Yeah, build a lot. But I think your access to drugs is going to be key. Right? And, you know, can you bring your guns from home? Or is this just ology only armed with what your nail guns Home Depot would have? There you go. Yeah. It's gonna be tough, but I think it's gonna be a long, it's gonna be longer than anybody thinks. Yeah, it's gonna be a long war. Yeah, but I think CVS can pull it out. Okay, sadly, maybe the warriors from CVS will show up on the battlefield and be like, I can't find any of the Home Depot people, right? Part of me feels like this is gonna happen like this. Does. Great CVS, point to this podcast, I'd be like we called it. Alright, so you've been given control over the internet. All right, what seemingly beneficial website? Do you immediately take down Wikipedia? For sure. Because I've been walking around with whatever's up there, thinking it's all true. And I've edited it before and it stayed up. So I believe it. I've edited Wikipedia several times. They won't let me they won't let me do it anymore. Because I would just do like little stuff and then see how far I could ramp it up. Yeah. So I'm asking for a friend. How many times can you mess with it before they permanently ban you? I would say you're gonna you're gonna get a good five and before they kind of recognize it and they go, Okay, there's a violator five, five on the same entry or five disparate, I think from your account. If you're editing things, and they're, they're, like spurious, they're gonna they crack down, but this was like, I did it quick. I was really good. But yeah, they got me. Dear Wikipedia, it appears that you've shut us down. But Caleb did tell us that we had five and we had only I would recommend everybody listening. Get your five gets on time. Got a burner account? No, I just did one account. I didn't even try to be slick about I was just trying to see what would happen. But yeah, I think I'm permanently banned for life and banned and now we're shutting them down. You got to control the internet. You're like, how do you like that? You pay for money all the time. I'm sick of it. His problem was that he edited the Wikipedia Wikipedia page. I think I may have Oh, classy going after that. Yeah. All right. So now taking that a step further. How would you live your life differently? If you knew that none of your actions could ever impact history could never impact history? Yeah. I'm currently living under that I didn't think I was possible, like so. This is how I lived my life. This is me impacting history. Hmm. I don't know if it'd be any different. I'm not even sure how to mend my life in any way. So I mean, it's just this is the only way I know how to do it. But maybe if I do affect history, that'd be crazy. You got a really narcissistic impression of himself where he does anything in life like literally 2030 wake up and think flap your wings little butterfly icebergs to kill. I remember when Roseanne when I met I did Last Comic Standing and she thought it was the worst comedian live and she like got mad was yelling at me. And then later on, she like got canceled and was like tweeting under medication. I was like, did I do that? Did I break? Roseanne right. And part of me is like, I guess that's the most effect I've had so far that I think I ruined her life with my because she hated me so much. Right? Christmas dinner. Do you do a big dinner on Christmas Eve? Or do you do a big dinner on Christmas day? Eat for sure. Yeah, no one's gonna want it or no one's even gonna feel it on Christmas Day. So true. It's I wish it weren't this way because I like to celebrate Christmas through January 6, if possible. Okay. I like to keep it up. Keep the tree up. Let's let's why we started the candles. We still have leftovers. Why are we like throwing our joy away. But I haven't met anyone who really agrees and everybody. It's like bites 1pm On Christmas day. No one likes it anymore. No one wants to do it. And it's hard to get the troops to have the joy. So yeah, you got to do Christmas Eve, or you've been given control of all human speech. Which word do you require everyone to end every sentence with dog? Oh, that's good. I think it would cut down on aggression. Because somebody calls me I'm like, Oh, nice. You know, people Hey, what's up dog? Or hey, can talk to me that dog? It just makes the world seem good. Whenever someone uses it at the end of sentences. I'm like, Oh, this is going to be fun. They're not going to be mean to me. And I think would help. I'm gonna kill you dog. See? I know that means you just we're just playing Yeah. It's already fun. Alright, if you could participate in a historical event that took place more than 100 years ago? What's the event you would choose? And how would you choose to participate? Hmm you know I you know in the the French revolution where it cut everybody's head off Um, I'd like to just be a comedian like that night. Like a French Open Mic. Just a CP will be like oh, yeah, boy, I should have thought about that before. I just want to I want to do I want to feel that like the pulse of people the day after that just be like it's kept talking after it was chopped off. And it's like, the worst corporate gig ever. Oh, yeah. Like so dude. I work ticket to capitation right Friday. It was brutal. They set me right up the guy's head was still in the basket. The good news is the head left. Alright, that's gonna do it for the first segment here of the podcast, Jamie, Jamie and Adam we're gonna be back with comedian Caleb Simon right after this do you think that executions using the guillotine that they were people that heckled the executioner? The execution the execution are right heckling, the executioner their technique? No. That was the whole good guillotine factor. It was no longer a beheading done by sword where you did Heckle, obviously, but then the guilty and takes that away. It's a machine that just drops the weight on. Okay, here's it. Here's a dark thought. Yeah. So now imagine your dad basketmaker Right comes home one night. You're super psyched. Yeah, honey, kids. I got greatness. I just landed the contract to be the basket maker. Yeah, for the deity, right? They were impressed with my three head model. I got a contract for 100 That I don't know what's happening, but I just got a contract for 100 baskets. Yeah, that's the guy who knows that. That's about to go down. Right right. I never thought about Got the fact that they had to really go through different prototypes, right? Because you don't want it a bounce back effect. You've got to really like capture product in the basket and let it just sit can't bounce out. Well, and it can't be tippy. Yeah, you don't want the bat it to hit the basket, basket to tip had to roll. Do you think there was ever an execution in which the head went around the rim of the basketball crowd was anticipated, dropped in or dropped out. And then if you had like a mad king, queen, that was like, like one of those balls down the track. So it went off, and then it like, hit a bucket, then to the thing, then got lifted up again and dropped down to a cop. And it was like a whole show. Yeah, we had the parameter that put saran wrap over the basket. Oh, and they just bounces right out to the crowd. Yeah, enough of this. Let's go back to the second segment of this episode of the podcast begins now. Jamie, Jamie and Adam, our guest comedian, Caleb Simon is with us. Okay, so here's what we're going to do this segment, we're going to use this as an opportunity to maybe explore in a little greater depth some of the answers you gave in the first round gentlemen, who would like to begin first interested in the Christmas dinner Christmas day thing, and I couldn't agree with you more one, about the lag of Christmas, we got to have a longer lag. It's got to have a longer tail. But I can't figure out who my wife is a huge Christmas Day or I don't get it. Like it's the weirdest thing like we do, because she's the wife and she's in charge. And she does. You know, we do what basically she wants to do dinner on Christmas Day. And I don't know how to move that. That bar. She wants to do Chinese food on Christmas Eve. Like, that's the wrong everything about that's wrong. On Christmas Day, right? Yeah. And because I mean, it's a perfect day for two because everyone's kind of woke up early. They kind of wanted to nap through the day. There's just little you know, they can come kind of scoop up food. It's yeah. So how early Are you up on Christmas on Christmas Day, get control your kids like I know, they want to lock their door because it's not a merry Christmas. If you're up that's why people get so mad. Because they're up like it kid excitement times. And it's like, I want to I want to get up at nine maybe 10 My family be like, Oh, I know you're excited. But you come out of that room before a no presence. Right? I do think there should have been better developed Christmas tradition that included the fact that you could not come out of your room until 10. Or else Santa took the presence. But we in our house, we actually had developed a pretty, I don't mean to brag, because I'm a horrible parent in every other element. But on Christmas Day, the kids all watched to Christmas movies together in one of the kids rooms before pretzel, like they wake up all that's good. And they watch so like that's two that's the rule and they can pick the two. It usually ends up being elf and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. They watch those. That gives us another basically four hours of sleep. Great. Yeah, that's great. And that's actually pretty creative. And it's their nice little tradition today. I'll meet up and they do that together. And hopefully they'll keep doing that. So I actually feel like there is a Christmas sweet spot. Okay, so I'm annoyed if we haven't started by nine o'clock, but I'm irritated if we're starting before like 730 Yeah, absolutely. So it's like find the window. Okay. My parents cut down on it by they never let us believe in Santa. And they gave us bad gifts. So the kids didn't want to be up that early. Yeah. Yeah. Go down to these like, I'm gonna get pants. Yeah, wait. Yeah, my pants. And by the way, I bought you those pants. Yeah. Right. So there isn't a fictional person who believes you need new pants? It's actually me. You need new pants. Yeah, alright, that's gonna do it for this second segment here another podcast we'll be back with our second of the Lightning Rounds right after this so when Halo was asked about affecting history, I noticed that Adam you and I kind of went with his answer about you know I don't really think I affect history but I did sense a battle couldn't comprehend that concept. No, I can't comprehend that concept. We're all impacting history right? You're kind of in the in the Back to the Future said where you believe that you know any any changes will have a dramatic effect on history. That's correct. Right but even the smallest thing right I realize I'm probably not a George Washington figure or a Kennedy but I think I need to be Kennedy the butterfly. You are you're beautiful butterflies flap your wings. Thank you I shot did you ever find yourself like making a decision and then quickly changing that to play a trick on the universe? In other words, like I'm going to move off this way. But now I'm gonna turn this way because I'm gonna just changed the space time continuum. Have you ever done that? Okay, so, yes, because that's more narcissistic than the universe or the universe, you juice the universe. If you're going open field the universe was open field tackling you like to create a new Multiverse I'm just saying what it does create a new Multiverse and to there wasn't a murderer on your right, like, dodge that murder didn't. Good luck killing me today God. Let's go back to the guest final segment here of this episode of the podcast Jamie Bendele Jamie Hernan Adam Haig, our guest comedian Caleb sun and we're going to do another lightning round we present the choice again to you would you like to clockwise or counter clockwise counters time? Counter clockwise starting with Adam? Alright, if we could get rid of one animal what were an animal do we get rid of? It? It should be like an insect right? Probably. Because I don't get I just don't. And the people who will mess up the Ecosa I'm like I don't like it with them. They're right. Like they mess it up. Be in here. I don't want them here. What's the worst one in? Mosquitoes Roach the deadliest animal in the world? The mosquito really? Yeah. kills more people every year than any other animal. That was the fly or something. Flies that does that the house fly? The CC fly? Yeah, no, we've talked about this. It's mosquito mosquito scoring dies? Yeah. Cuz it spreads it spreads all those diseases all over everywhere. I don't wanna be that guy. But I think it's probably people that kill more people every year. I think that challenge. Okay, I'm gonna get mosquitoes over people. Really? Yeah, mosquito spread disease in a winner and it killed like millions. Alright, in a cage match between a person and a mosquito. Yeah, who wins? Depends. It is a mosquito carrying some kind of really deadly infectious, like a bola. If it's he if they infect the person, they still have to survive the cage match because the person's got a good two, three weeks, days before there. So let's first talk about the whole fallacy of the scenario because a cage match a mosquito can get out of the cage pretty easily. Very tight. Yes. Green Screen, if you can leave the cage match. Right allowed to leave. Why are you creating this as a fiction? It actually exists in your life all the time. Let's pretend No, we don't have to pretend Yeah, this is this. This occurs. That's fair. A lemur and an antelope are lined up to race in a 40 yard dash. Unfortunately, the Lemur was put into COVID protocols shortly before the race and could not participate. Naturally, you had been given total control over all animal races and are responsible for finding a replacement. No other animals are available including mosquito which has been eradicated so you are forced to compete. Two part question. First of all, do you win the race? Can I kill the animal? Yes. I mean, there's no rules, then yes, I will kill and eat the antelope and finish my race. He's he'll eat then finish or do you kill finish come back and eat the he's dead. I can finish the race at any point. So I really can't eat after athletic endeavor. So I have to eat. Wow. Yeah. All right. Follow up. question. Second question is he crossed the finish line? Why is it so much blood? Covered? Where's he just keep waiting. Yeah, and I didn't anticipate your answer. But this follow up question, I guess right on spot. No more pointless than any other questions. What? What trash talk do you say to the antelope right before the whistle blows to begin the race. I would try and do something in his native tongue that could let him know that I'm in his head. You know, whatever they sound like just like it I would really in my heart, I would feel like a lot of really intense animosity towards it. And I think it would know because I've tried it with like dogs and cats. And so I think I could do it. I can get these little antelope pet animals, like when I was racing, was to kill them. Race please. I think this kid's gonna kill me. Now I'm starting to now that you've personified it with a voice now I feel bad. Legitimately. By the way, his family said they're watching the race. So family, never. There's a reasonable likelihood that this hypothetical race you have created is the antelopes first recreational activity. So is it able to perceive the idea of running for something other than life? You're basically expecting anything that's chasing an antelope. It expects that it's trying to eat it. I'm saying you've created a race for fun, right? I'm challenged by the idea that an antelope can perceive fun in the animal kingdom antelopes are known to party. Yeah, I think so. And you killed one. Horse. You don't go racing humans. Yeah, you know, I don't care how you party. Actually, it would be fascinating. If you could murder your track opponent just as part of a regular race. I think that was was the rules like in the old days, early Olympics as part of the decathlon? I thought Yeah, to be like, Oh, my, and then the race proceeded. Like you could stab your opponent. And they do nothing to stop the race. They just take Oh, look at that he's decided to stab. It's very casual post race interview. So I saw that your strategy involves murdering your opponent. What went into your thought process? Well, thank God, yes. All right. So my question is, what is a fear that is unique to you, that you believe should be shared by others? Okay. Okay. Um, I think one of mine is I have an overwhelming fear of being coming across rude that I that I had noticed, that is a standard that is, first of all, it's impossible for me. And most people don't even seem to care nearly as much about. And I'm like, I was raised very much as a preacher. So I was raised, that it's wrong to even seem to be doing something wrong. So sometimes, I'm like, that wasn't rude, but a lot of people think it is. Alright, Caleb, so this has been great. You're one of my favorite guests so far. So I will give you one of my favorite guest questions, which is how many fifth graders? Do you think you could fight off? Before you became overwhelmed? Like I'm talking like, they're coming at you like zombies, right? They're conscious, but they're all attacking at once? Well, I want I want to say a high number. But realistically, right. You get a fifth grader who has who has attached himself to your arm. Yeah, one or two of them, and he's biting you with his teeth. Yep. And kicking with his legs. And he's got his arms hooked around. Yep. So you got that guy. I feel like I can do a pretty good job with that arm reading him. So you have two arms. You got two legs, you know, and I'm pretty sure I could I could really do damage just if the depending on how they attack me, but Right, honestly, yeah, I don't think more than 15 They're gonna give me 15 So that's actually a little bit higher as I can fight dirty. Okay, they're gonna kill me there. So I will be I'll be doing some some bad stuff, but I get them. I'm on when but I think more than 15 It's gonna be hard because I you know, in my head, I'm picturing Three Stooges style. I'm like punching for and they all fall down. And what do you think happens between 12 and 15? Like, why? 15 It seems like that's a pretty is there? You think you could handle 12? Well, I also I could pick up one of them spin them around use them as a weapon. Oh, wait in fifth grade pick them up by the legs. And you use their head? Yeah, as a bludgeon human shields. Yeah. Things like that. Yeah, cuz, you know, I remember fifth grade Caleb and I would have loved An opportunity like this to beat up an adult. All of us go get them. Yeah, that's every fifth grade teachers. Yeah. What if they all turned on me? That's why class size. They're like we need smaller class. It's not because of the people think it's good teacher safe. They see that look at her. I get the sense that Caleb was not gonna fight back until the fourth one had latched on. He was letting them get one each arm. And he's like, Alright, guys, if one more you come at me. I'm gonna start playing baseball. Yeah. Well, the first thing I do is I kick the first one in the face. Grab his legs, spin him around, use him as a weapon. Yes. Got to like I could get eight before they can get to you with the first kid. Yeah, before they could get to you. Once they get once they break your circle though. You're in trouble. Yeah. All right, what is one piece of information that would have changed your life if you could have fully comprehended as a toddler? Whoa, hmm. I didn't really understand the concept of time very well. And I still did the really took COVID for me to understand like, Oh, here's what a day is. Here's how long time can be. And here's what I can do in that time. But when you're a kid, you don't understand you certainly don't understand. I didn't understand nothing. But what is your actual oldest memory as a person who well this is very embarrassing, because most people I mean, I have a good self esteem. But I think I have a very average intelligence to maybe it'll slightly under average. But like, a lot of people never been three my dad claims to remember being in the womb, which is just can't be. Scientifically it just can't be. But I don't remember anything before I was seven. Really? And I know that's late to start paying attention. But I think it was like getting like a Twizzler at a baseball game. And just being like, oh, yeah, I think that was my that. Well, I was just so pumped. Because I think like my mom gave me a $10 bill and I was just getting tons of candy. But that's the only thing I remember that I cuz anything before that. I'll go ooh, remember this and my brother's like that happened to me. Didn't happen to you did not happen to you. So everything before it and then I'll just I'll be like, remember this and that turns out it's a picture I'm remembering. Yeah. Now like it that's my question. You do. Okay, Christmas, bro. So is there any time it's appropriate to open a Christmas present on Christmas Eve? Yeah. If anyone asks if anyone's like, Can I open one tonight? I think like, think about it anyway. Like, can I open one tonight? Yes, it's Christmas. So you're like, No, no joy till I say like, come on. What are we doing here? Right. I'm all about it. I like open them whenever our battle bring us. Um, last question. Last question. All right. So if you had to pick only one and it was the way in which you are going to live the rest of your life would you rather live it with a mentality of belated or a mentality of early woo early I think well, because being late is like that some stress. I don't know what happened when I was a kid and I was late but some some bad before seven. Well, but I but belated is I always feel interpreted as acceptable to belated birthday gift. Oh, okay. Then that's fine, but it's too late belated Christmas gift. Ah, okay, then it's fine. I definitely. I'm with you on the early or like early. I like early. I can't deal with the even just as a comedian that it's like the late it's like you're a professional clown. But like, I like to be early because when I'm late, I get really worried that everybody's like, he's not that good anyway, and he's late. We don't and I'm like always when I get there and then they they're taking my name off the marquee and they're like, you can't be late this business. Alright, so that's gonna do it for our episode. This one. What do you got going on for the remainder of this year? Were the ways in which you would like people to consume your content not? Well, I have a podcast called What's it called? And it's real dumb and silly. And me and my buddy Dave renames stuff and it's just a lot of fun. So check that out. I am on Twitter at dumb Caleb and Instagram is at Caleb sign in. So find me on there. And it'll be fun and we can talk about being late and killing antelope fighting off this greater writing boy. I really realize how much violence we forget the the very challenging war between Home Depot and CVS. Yeah, boy, I got a lot of CVS. Questions. Questions about violence in the nature. Alright, a lot of fun. So for Jamie, Jamie and Adam. I am Jamie Bentall. And our guest Caleb Simon. Thank you again. She you know where to find us taka, Taka subscribe. Do you go back and you be good cheap. Fighters getting low. This episode of the MMA cast is over domna gold now. Back to where you are another podcast