Comedy Roundtable

Ralph Guerra - Comedian - Recorded Live at the Punchline Comedy Club

February 02, 2023 Ralph Guerra Season 9 Episode 91
Comedy Roundtable
Ralph Guerra - Comedian - Recorded Live at the Punchline Comedy Club
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Show Notes Transcript

Ralph Guerra pulled up a chair to the Comedy Roundtable after during a wild weekend of sold out shows at the Punchline Comedy Club touring with Samuel Comroe. We were able to pull him from the long after show merch line to sit down and chat about show topics Ghosting and Ways to Decline. We learned all about whether he would purchase a black market street turtle, who he would haunt in the afterlife and proper etiquette to decline an invitation. 

Ralph Guerra is a writer/comedian born and raised in Los Angeles, California. He wrote for the Comedy Central animated show, 'Triptank' for seasons one and two. He can be seen touring comedy clubs across the United States performing stand up comedy. He has starred in various short movies and sketches such as 'Knights of the Dead' and 'Alan The Dog.'


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Ladies and gentleman comedy roundtable coming up on this episode, I would buy a Street Journal, just for the off chance that it could be a Teenage Mutant Ninja one. If I felt in an old lady tear on my back while I'm having intercourse, I think that'd be encouraging. I could do a newspaper by we can split. But we should just look at the moon in the stars and just we'll do something crazy fun. Oh my god. I feel like those are the people that are most in need of technological advancements in the way of jetpacks. We have saved a chair for you our listener and we've also saved a chair here at the roundtable for our guest this evening. Ralph Pyrrha. Brown Hey, we're here, man. We're here. Set just finished. You know, I like late shows late shows are fun. It's a different vibe than an Early Show. You get a little bit of a drug record a little bit more of a lively crowd. Yeah, they're great. They're super fantastic. shows up in tight all weekend. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Right long merch line. Yes. Yes. A lot of people stopping to say hello. Yes. A lot of people saying hello, Sam sold out of shirts. And yeah, it's been great, man. I mean, like the southern hospitality has been great. Outside the club. I did see bootleg shirts being sold though. Yeah, they'll do that. They'll do fine demand once once they're sold out. Oh, yeah. There's already is it my imagination? Or have the rules become completely relaxed? Outside professional sporting events in the number of pop up liquor stores? Right? Yeah, crazy. Yeah, but outside the sporting arenas in Atlanta. Actually, the easiest place to get a baby turtle in Atlanta is outside one of the sporting events, right. I'm not sure why that's a thing. But if you live in Atlanta, downtown sporting event, you're gonna see people selling baby turtles. Right? They're just trying to make a teenage everyone's trying to figure it out. It's definitely a thing. Yeah. I didn't know that. I'm not sure where the algorithm said this is gonna be the match someone coming out of a soccer or football basketball game looking for? I would say generally speaking, if you have someone offered to sell you street reptile, right, that is probably a good deal. Yeah, I agree. I would buy a street turtle just for the off chance that it could be a Teenage Mutant Ninja one. Right? Well, oh, that's a good point. I'd want to know, so you want to buy it underground? Right? You want to get that from like AB within the sewers, right? If your feet itself is so much pizza, right? And then just hopefully it turns into turns into something went into teenager. Yeah. And then I can name it after a famous artist. But a newer one like a Banksy. Right. That's when they do the rebrand. Reboot. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. It would be like a great superhero. But it would just never really show up like, you know, would never show up. Oh, yeah. Never see him. You'd always be running. Yeah, thanks. He really would have saved this moment if Banksy was here, but Banksy is not here. So yeah, I'm fascinated at the speed with which graffiti artists work. Speaking of Banksy, right, that there are some people who are not afraid of heights because they're often on the back side of highway or freeway signs right? Or bridges, and they somehow get up there. Yeah. I feel like those are the people that are most in need of technological advancements in the way of jetpacks. Right? Yeah, right. It Yeah, it takes me 45 minutes just to get out of bed. Right, let alone get up on a freeway overpass. I mean, I'm assuming it got to carry multiple cans. Yes. Right. So you got backpack? knapsack, something? Yes. You've had to draw up the design in your mind. You have to have a spotter because I'm working close. I can't like step away three feet to see the backside of sign. I think the one thing that would ensure that I'm going to stay in bed and snooze is if I think my options today are to snooze and stay in bed or go graffiti. Not that I'm against graffiti. It's what you're saying. We're seeing it live. Have you ever seen anybody doing actual graffiti live? I promise not at all. But I've seen one person do it. My my buddy in high school and he was he was he had his own thing. His name was Mesmer. Griffey graffiti, his name and all that Oh, okay. Yeah. Literally when he graffiti to your building. You had been mesmerized? Yes. Yeah, I think that's where it took him. I like to see. But yeah, so but I've never seen it. Like I have all the things in life. I have never seen real graffiti being made. Right. Not community project of a mural. Yeah, graffiti artists and women farting. You just never see it. It's just kind of a it's a lost art. Do you think and we've taken a lot of tangents here to start this episode. But do you think that women farting it? It's really just happening all around us. But they figured out a way to do it that it's like I think that's what book clubs are for. They do I don't think anyone read a book. I think it's just they just are letting loose. They all by the Joy Luck Club and then they just look at each other's eyes and they just reckon let it rip. Let it rip. Alright, so what we do on this year's show, is we do lightning rounds of questions. So I'm going to read you the topics right? You're just choosing them one at a time. Okay, but you get to pick they are ghosting ways to dig line, okay, or pitchforks. I'm going to do ghosting. All right ghosting here on the comedy round table with our guests this evening asking the first question is Jamie, actually we're both Jamie's that Jamie. Yeah. Alright, so who do you want to haunt when you're in your afterlife? I would like to haunt the person who I lost my virginity to. Oh, it was that bad? No, I just want to be like, Was it that bad? Or was were they all that bad? Like mine? Oh, you're not crying with him. I like whoever I want to cry on whoever she's with. I want to I want them to feel ghost here on the back of their shoulder and be like, What the fuck was that? Like? I don't know. It'd be like, oh, yeah, sorry, my, my ex who I took his virginity. He cries on people that are on too. So would she be able to see your ghost? But I think there's I think there's a casper situation, but he would not he wouldn't know. So she would know. I feel like if I feel like whoever had sex with me will be able to see who I am. But whoever has it won't. So I feel like I I would just I would just hide the women. I would haunt the four women that had sex with me in my life. And I would just go back and forth. So if you had the choice, right to be eternal ghost buddies, with other romantic partners have your exes Right? Or be friends with them in real life? I think ghosts buddies Yeah, I don't I don't give I don't care about these guys. I feel like in my head every guy that's had sex with a girl that I've had sex with has a lifted truck and I feel like I wouldn't get along with them. But maybe in the act of they're all super cool. It'd be like oh my god I mean maybe they are dude but like she has great taste. Oh, here's the thing I know her and they she doesn't it's not no no it's lifted trucks guys Yeah, it's a lot of it's not even lifted trucks it's lifted trucks and truck nut people guys with lifted trucks and Truck Nuts so dragging or hanging just just below the truck yeah by the truck is lifted yeah gotta keep the nuts off the ground and that's off the ground well as they aged as a dropper does it it I think they I think by every year that the yeah once it goes out of warranty they dropped the nut yeah the nuts of the truck. Yeah, it's a sensor Yeah, it's a it's is there's a lot of once it once it started touching the ground. That's a you know, you buy a new truck. new truck. Time for new truck time for new tires. Yeah, right. You go. Yeah, that oh, gotta go take your old to common. Old Yeller. And I just like the idea that you can have a ghost buddy. Yeah. Be like, that'd be kind of fun. So maybe that's how you get through the afterlife, because you're stuck being a ghost. And so they give you buddies? Yeah, so let me ask you this. Do you believe we're gonna get to your question here in a minute, Jamie, but do you believe that you could be a ghost in the afterlife? I do. Yes. Okay, so are you worried that you'd be stuck wherever you meet your final demise like Do you ever feel like I should not be in this place right now? Because if I died this is where I'd be stuck as a ghost. No, I think I you know, I think I'm a free roaming ghost. I would I would like to imagine that I kind of have like ghost on the go Yeah, I could like you know hop on a spirit airline ghost. I feel like I feel like ghosts could ghosts can fly on any spirit airline flight. That's why they call it spirit Spirit Airlines. So you get to you get to hang out with like the really like, we can't tell you that so you get to hang out a lot of yes, it's haunted. You get to hang out the bottom with all the dead French Bulldogs because they don't know how to handle pets. No, then you go and you just travel around and then okay, I guess I'm going to Jacksonville today. And then you know, you just hang out there. Janesville? Yeah. Okay. ghosting? Yes. Is a term that's usually applied to when you disappear from someone's life. Yes. It seems like it's the opposite of the concept of a ghost. Right? Right. Ghost means I stick around, stick around and you can't get rid of me. I have a haunting you. Opposite of how we use the phrase. Ghost it right. If you were a ghost, right. And you ghosted somebody. What is that called? That's called? I think a fallen angel. I think that's what gefallen I think you fallen? Yeah. I think it's it's like ghost squared. Yeah. Yeah, I think I think it bring, MAN Yeah. That's maybe how you come back to life. Because if you if you're a ghost, and then you're a negative ghost, right, you've left so you get back. So it goes times negative or negative times negative. Yeah, I think the math works out positive. So you're back to life. Oh, that's me. Come back. You reincarnated. Yeah, so whenever total every year, one of my goals buddies reincarnated me. Alright, so if you're a ghost, and then you hook up with this check, and then she's like, I really had a great time. I would love to see you again. And then you go, sir, that's how you come back to life. It's like, it's like Buddhism. Yeah. But then you come back as a street turtle. That's. Yeah, if I ever get a turtle, I don't have a turtle. But if I got a turtle, I'm gonna say that I got I just bought it off again on the street. Yeah, that's where you get it. We're also going to see the Turtle, turtle shop. Where are those in every strip mall in America? That's smart or Petco it's there's always turtles in there now. They sell in the back of strip clubs. Yeah, street turtle. Got me a street turtle dude, I'm going to sewer is awesome. Yeah, I've got a sewer with a skimmer. Actually, I think from this table that's next to us. At least one of these guys. Next to us knows where to get street turtles. Yeah, that's like a good I think they sell Molly. You gotta have a street turtle guy. Oh, you got your shell rose. I think they're more Molly salesmen. They know for sure we can get those. Well, they start with us with the street turtle. Yes. To kind of gauge where we are. Are you cool? Yeah, usually you're like I like a 12 year old can I get a street turtle and then once you like they're like okay, once you get to college, like really I Somali turtle thing was just a real un. So that'll be the end of our first segment here at The comedy round table we will be back with more just after it's got into my Uber I'm making small talk with my Uber driver because I'm a dumbass right I'm just like looking out the window and just like wow, there's a lot of trees in Birmingham Alabama. And my Uber driver was like don't go it goes was going over terrified notes even more terrifying my Eber driver was a 19 year old white girl named Haley okay i love that shirt sir. Oh my God. We need to talk about it we need to talk about it so there's no fucking chance you don't have cocaine on my god Sir You look like if cocaine was wished to live like if someone wanted to come here and take cocaine three times you went who wants to do Akiba oh my god sir. Do you guys work together for sure. Freelance. Oh, so you sell drugs? Freelance then you just if we sell enough buck and Wally. Back with comedy roundtable having an enjoyable conversation here about street reptiles and other exciting things. Did you have your question? Ready for the next segment? Jamie? Always ready. Don't ask me that Adam is missing with us this evening. We are always disappointed when he's unable to join us. We know that. When there's another fellow who usually is with us. Ralph has been with us all. We had our wishes at Jamie. I know. Jamie Foxx, where are you next? I'm going to be in LA for a few weeks. And then I'm going to Ohio, Ohio. Oh, hi. Oh, hi. Oh, people want to see live where they're going to find your tour dates. Honestly, find me on Instagram. Save around Gara. And I posted my URL there and then you can follow me there and keep moving keep grinding. Absolutely. So culture. Yeah. All right. We have remaining topics are ways to decline or pitchforks. I'm gonna go wasted two ways to decline starting with Jamie. Alright, so you are at a crosswalk? Yes. And an elderly woman asks you for help to cross the street. Yes. But you are a busy guy. And you do not have time. Right. How do you let her down? Easy. How do you tell her? No, ma'am. An elderly woman? elderly woman busy street. Right. Really busy street. I go. Hey, I really need to see this episode of Emily and Paris. Oh, yeah. Let's understand. I get out of here. Yeah. And I hope that she would understand what like good TV is. Yeah. I mean, if you had given like a Prime Video type show, she would have been pissed, right? But no, Emily employers? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Or I would go listen, I know your grandson. And I just really would like to hang out with them. And I wish I could help you, but I like them a lot more than I'd like you as a person. Because I don't know you. Okay, so he's, he's your friend. Right? So you're actually hoping that she gets hit by a car. She gets hit by a car. He may be up for an inheritance. Right? He gets a bunch of money. Yes. He takes a big trip to Vegas. Right. He brings you along. Yes. So you're you're sort of angling for that trip to Vegas by telling her no. Yes, absolutely. Here's the thing, man, if she gets hit by a car, do you take the purse? You shouldn't. You shouldn't should. What do you shouldn't? Shouldn't shouldn't Yes, you should as a man where it lands not saying you don't. You shouldn't Shouldn't we know you shouldn't shouldn't. Right but if if the person lands six feet away from if it lands What if the purse flies 30 feet in the air and it catches your arm. That's your and it looks like it just flows there. Yeah, especially if it goes with your outfit. I think that's when you do. I know you shouldn't. Right? But then you do. Yeah, sometimes you should. Sometimes you should be how you become a ghost. Yeah, that's true. Right? You could ghost. It's a you know what, though? If you do, she's a ghost. She is a girl. She's gonna haunt you. I know. You're okay with that. So here's my question. I'll take the gamble. Every time you are having sex with a woman after that. You feel that tear? Oh, no. And it's like, it's an old woman. Yeah, I oh, woman here. I can feel the blue necklace from the woman that threw it on the Titanic. I could feel the weight of that on my back. Right. You know, I think I think it'd be kind of encouraging what? Yeah, if I felt in an old lady tear on my back while I'm having intercourse. I think that'd be encouraging. I think I would need that I'm a cancer too. So I feel like I need okay. My sensitive Alright, ways to decline. Did you want us to stop talking about me ma? I assume Jordan, you shouldn't talk. You should not. Alright, ways to decline. This is a two part question. First question about ways to decline is perhaps the top two adjectives associated with decline are respectfully Okay. decline, right, regretfully decline? What are adjectives that are better associated and could be used with decline? sorrowfully? That word sorrow? Sorrow? Yeah. Sorry. sorrowfully decline. Yeah. Kind of like intentionally. Intentionally is fantastic. Yes. Intentionally. Decline. I, unfortunately, will have to intentionally decline. Yes. I love that. Yes. I so want to decline. Like, I'm going to do it because of how much I want to decline it. Yeah. Yeah. I will. Extremely decline. I will. I want to do a 360. And decline. Yeah. Yeah. I will happily decline. Yeah, happily. decline is great. In fact, thank you don't say that enough. I will enthusiastically decline. Yeah. All right. Part Two. Yep. Have you had an experience in your life where you have had a debit or credit card declined? Yes. And did you have a guess that it was going to decline? Oh, yeah. And yes. When in that moment, is it an improv exercise? Wow, I had a moment recently. Basically, I work off three cards, third rotation, three cards. Two of them. Two of them are credit. One of them's a debit. I like to roll with the credit cards, both of the credit cards I upgraded them whatever, or one of them I upgraded the other one I left at home and so the one that I had was no longer in use. I was on a very I was at a fancy date with this this woman I was bawling I was I have this this is totally fine. Right? And then after you got me mom's purse Oh, exactly. money like crazy. Absolutely. Did you at some point in the middle excuse yourself to go to the restroom to call customer service? Oh, no. I didn't I didn't know what was going to happen because the debt I the debit card. I knew there was nothing in there. I know I keep I barely keep anything in there. I keep everything in another account. And then I have to bring it over. Once the bill came as I got this. And then I realized the card that I wanted to use gone nowhere to see the God who left it at home. The other one I realized, oh no, I already this one is no longer valid. And now like I have this fucking shit debit card with I don't know how much is in it. Probably nothing, because I have to be confident on the date. So I just set the debit card and send it over and go ahead and take this. And then I was like, excuse me real quick. And then I went over like while they're running it. And this person already was just like, Oh, you don't have to like you know, let's split it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I were at a tapas restaurant. All right, I need to split it but I need like maybe 27% of it. Yeah. So I could see the the the waiters and waitresses being like there's not money on this card. I could see that as a huddle were squeezed out of bars. There was a huddle at the register. This guy is so confident and it's a very cute date. Right? We need to help us want to root for him. I ran over for somehow. I had $100 bill from leftover merch, leftover merch Yeah, tucked away and now it's just like cutting cash first and they're like, absolutely. We actually ran the card and it basically left us with you at a balance of about$90 $90 to whatever. So then I was like, perfect. And then here's your money. And then I was like, I'm in my I'm financially in shambles at the moment. And that happened and I went back to the table like nothing happened. And then she's like, why are you sweating so much? I'm like, don't worry about it. What do you Taunton? The men's room? What did he just do to pay this bill? Yeah. And then she's like, do you want to get ice cream after? And I said, I'm not you know, I'm lactose intolerant. I don't really need ice cream. We probably should stop spending money tonight. Yeah, I think we should just we should just look at the moon. Yeah, let's go. I will buy you a newspaper. Yeah, I could do a newspaper by we can split a pack of gum. But yeah, we should just look at the moon in the stars and just beat we'll do something crazy and fun spot. Oh my god. This is too much. How creative oh my god, how creative is this guy? All right, we are close to our time limit here on this episode. Final Thoughts questions or concerns? You know, this was thought provoking. I'm really going to think about when I die who I want to hot and where do I want my ghost here's to fall you got goes buddies to look forward to Yeah, that's I'm kind of excited. News. This isn't new age Buddhism. I'm telling you guys like follow this. Oh, this Yeah, right. When we say follow us Yeah. We're talking about in a more of a religious way. Not Yeah. Pushing follow. This is a cult podcast. There is no behind it. Think about all the movies that they could do differently of that are ghost buddy films. Yes. You could like the buddy cop film. Yeah, it's like ghost heart. Yeah, dead terrorists being chased by dead cops. I need your gun in your badge and your soul on my desk right now. Lewinsky. Lewis Lewinsky All right, that's as good as continued success. I know we've got the 10 o'clock show merch line for you to get into here at the punch line comedy club in it for Jamie and Jamie and I'm missing Adam. This is the comedy around him. Put your chair back where you found it. We'll see you next episode. Bye bye.