Comedy Roundtable

Walter Masterson

April 19, 2022 Comedy Roundtable Season 6 Episode 61
Comedy Roundtable
Walter Masterson
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Show Notes Transcript

What’s one rule you could add to battle that would add a comical twist to fighting? If you had to live in a state west of the Mississippi but not coastal, which state would you choose? Are all of our lives just a simulation masterminded by Pete Davidson? Comedian Walter Masterson sits down at the Comedy Roundtable to discuss these questions from our episode categories of The Wild West, Holiday Movies and Arts & Crafts, and much more.

Walter Masterson is a comedian and actor who you have no doubt seen on Tik Tok or YouTube with his political satire. Born, raised and living in NYC, he has been seen in movies and on television. Walter has been described as a cross between Sasha Baron Cohen and The Daily Show.  Be sure to follow Walter across social media and check out his long form videos on YouTube and shorter clips on Tik Tok.


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comedy round table, grab a chair pull up, join us. We have a terrific episode on tap for you Jamie Bendele Jamie, Hernan Adam. Hey you. I am excited about our guest this evening because their style of comedy has been described as if Sacha Baron Cohen. Yep. And the Daily Show. Okay, love them both had relations and that relations a Biblical sense offspring. Okay. That would give you a hint as to the comedic style of our guests this evening, the acclaimed Walter astor's, it's gonna be fun. Welcome, welcome. Good to have you with us. Oh, thanks for Thank you for having me back. It's a pleasure. Yeah, man. So what are you doing tonight? What do you got on the spoon there? I went to dig in. Dig in. Again. I was in the city and I was rushing home so I could be part of our filming. I thought let me just grab dig in. What is digging? I don't we don't have it done here. So all right. So you live in New York City and you're like I won, you know, food. That's sort of I want chicken. I want rice. I want vegetables and I want to but I want to pay a lot for it. Okay, go to a shishi like just placed it's it's still takeout, but I want to pay more money for high premium. Now. Do they got you covered? They got you covered? Don't even worry about it. Does it come in a bowl? Was it in a plate is it in a wrap? It comes in a paper ball. Just like Chipotle. However, it's more expensive than Chipotle and they just give this veneer of healthiness. All right, so format of the show has changed a little bit lightning round Questions Only. We have three subjects from which you our guests shall choose. They are as follows holiday movies, arts and crafts, and the Wild West. So of those three, what would be your first preference? I would say the Wild West, the Wild West is the choice clockwise or counter clockwise. It depends which way the clock is facing and always throws me I'm like, which way is the clock facing this counter? Counter? To what facing away from me? Is it towards me? First I like it for like to you facing west so it's facing you. So let's say counterclockwise? Because then it would be clockwise for me. Is that how this works? If we're facing you, so if the clock is facing you? Yes. Counterclockwise that mean it's conquest? What's what's happening? Yeah, that's that's tough, actually. Especially when video because I think you're actually mirrored on the video. So maybe it goes back to? Yeah, I think it brings a whole thing into it can house wins every time. I was always stupid, if you want to win the money. Listen. If you ever go to Vegas, and you find the game you're playing is clockwise or counterclockwise. And have you ever, by the way tried now that we're actually asking about it, I am curious, and I'm sure there is an answer. To all roulette wheels spin in the same direction. They must know. Australia different. Oh, the southern hemisphere, northern hemisphere thing. I'm just curious, it would change the odds of the game if you switch the direction of the ball in the direction of the wheel? I don't think so. I think most of the time it's it's a standard spin. Alright, so whenever we go, there has been a selection. Okay, so counterclockwise counterclockwise starting with Jamie. Oh, geez. Whoa. Okay, doing that LS counterclockwise. Alright, let's go. Giddy up. James. So Walter, Butch Cassidy is quoted as saying, Well, if there ain't going to be any rules. Let's get the fight started. But let's add just one rule. So if you could add one rule of fighting that would add a comical twist to battle. What would it be? Oh, we have to we have to we have to kiss before each fight. Oh, interesting. It's a little a little pack, little pack. Like we just give each other a pack and then we square off. Then we square off like that. Yeah, it's a good one. That almost sounds like a couples therapy approach. You must kiss before you fight. You have to say something nice about them. Yeah. And then fight. Alright, so the Wild West Wild West. So if you had to live in a state west of the Mississippi, but not coastal, where would you live and why? Okay, so you're just assuming sort of logical fallacies. So you're assuming that Mississippi is real? Oh, the Mississippi River. Yeah, that that I'm assuming is real. I mean, Has anyone here ever seen the Mississippi River? It's not real. It's not a real thing. I have seen parts. I've seen parts I'm pretty sure it doesn't go all the way up and down but I assume little parts of fairness. I have not seen it all at once. So let's let's go around Okay. Who's seen the anyone like seeing the entire Mississippi River? I have not seen parts of it like in New Orleans and in Memphis but no crossed over it crossed over it but that's just that piece. Yeah. It's not real. Okay. So if that line that is the Mississippi on the map could be the Mississippi could be the Mississippi west of that but not coastal. Not cool. So I was just in Colorado, I was kind of feeling it. The west of this imaginary Mississippi, and Woody and in fairness, Walter, also east of his hypothetical coast. It is because the coast doesn't exist either. So you're telling me yeah, this is all a simulation? Really? Whose simulation is it though? I was thinking the other day that if there's one guy who's probably we're running it all for it's that comedian from Senate live who keeps getting all the hot chicks, but it's not very attractive. Oh, yeah. Let's see, I was talking about Pete David. Pete Davidson, like I think we might all be in Pete Davidson's simulation. I think we're all NPCs Yeah. And it just, I just don't get how he seems to break all the rules of normal gameplay in this world. And so I don't get it. So he's basically saying, Alright, I'm gonna give myself Kim Kardashian. You might figure it out at this point. But let's let Kanye flip the hell out. Right. I'm going to do what I can to make the craziest guy on the planet flip out at me. And yet, I'm okay. But as Walter would say, Have you actually met Kanye? Have I met Kanye? Does Kanye. Kanye exist? Kanye did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. Yes, you gotta have a Kanye in the game. And assume if it is a simulation he Davidson's world. Okay, then do you exist in all simulations? Or just certain simulations? Just I don't know. All I know is this one. I feel like he'd get more airtime on SNL though, if he was in control. No. Why would you give yourself more airtime less airtime? Money, hot chicks less work? That's what Pete Davidson is rolling. Yeah. I mean, you know it. This is the simulation and yeah, I mean, because like, he doesn't even know why he hasn't gotten fired from SNL, right. Like he's said this publicly like I don't he she's checked in with Lauren and like, Am I back next year? And he's like, Yeah, Lorenzana Yeah, you are, but I don't know why. That just seems like it's written into the script. It does. It does. It seems very much like the out of character character. Alright, so that is round one. We'll be back with the next segment of comedy roundtable. And our guest Walter Masterson right after this if you were in a western movie, yep. Which character would you play? You see got the hero. The fair maiden? Yep, the barkeep. Yeah, the chef. Yep, they call them chefs cook. Sorry, the cook. Okay. There's there's bad guys usually to hang on to that. Yeah, there's bad guys. You get the sheriff sheriff. I want to be sidekick sidekick. Oh, SiteLock of hero. I'm not hero. I am hero. Sidekick. Okay, my Huckleberry. Oh, interesting thing about Huckleberry that actually has been misinterpreted the whole time when you carried someone coffin was called a Huckle bearer. And the hucles are what you hold when you're a casket bearer. And so what he's supposed to say the line is, I will be your Huckle bearer bid he reads it and it sounds like I'll be your Huckleberry and people have been said Huckleberry, the rest of we have to Huckle bears all have arms that are the same length. And the less we've actually got in the passage. It's true. And by the way, most important part when fielding a posse, everybody has to get on the horse on the same side. Because if you get on the horse and wrong side, you can lock spurs. I'm swinging my leg, you're swinging your leg, we meet in the middle and hard to possibly win. We're that's interesting. I hadn't thought about he's got to get out. It's like synchronized swimming. It's kind of why we get on the same page about clockwise or counterclockwise at the beginning of each segment. Oh, yeah. We're not getting into Movie analysis, of course. But is he trying to say I will be the one who will bury you? Yeah, he's he's saying I will carry your coffin. I'll be your Huckleberry. So in the western you're going to be the Huckleberry. Yeah. Here's who I want to be. I want to be safe house. settler. Oh, somebody's on the run. Yep. And you need a place to hide. I am outside of the dispute. Yep. I am neither shooting or being shot, but I can offer you refuge. Yeah. A lot of legal horses. Isn't there kind of a problem with the whole safe house idea when there's only basically eight buildings on the main city street? It's usually not on the city street though. It's about an hour ride. to Jamie's point. It is always seemingly one of the only houses around. It's true. Well, there's not a ton out. It would seem like one of the first places you'd look right. Let's go to Jamie's we should go to that same house that everybody had done it. Right. The sixth house. It's interesting, safe houses really didn't work backwards. You mentioned it because there weren't enough houses. No, no, you can pretty much do like this is the spot Yeah, like steak houses work now because our population houses so many houses then could be any house but there was like there's eight houses but somehow they're always it's okay. Yeah. You could stay here for a few days. But was Nina and Nina know your business? Yeah. A lot of times the bad guys will safehouse with the brothel because they you know, they go to the brothel and they have relationship with the women in the brothel and they will let them know when. Okay, so isn't that as a noun or verb relationship with the brothel? Yes. Yeah. Use your imagination. Okay, let's deputize ourselves and get back to the guest. Yeah, indeed. Back to the guest. The comedy round table. Hopefully you are settled in to your seat with us. For this episode. Our guest is comedian Walter MASTERSON. And we have two topics remaining. You have your choice between holiday movies and arts and crafts, holiday movies, let's go holiday movies. Afraid to Ask but still counterclockwise clockwise. Let's fucking clockwise starting with Jamie. There we go. All right. What is a movie that you love? That would be even better if it had a holiday theme? I'm gonna say diehard. Very good. So you can pick Thanksgiving Easter or Fourth of July. Pick one of those three Thanksgiving Can you give me two holiday movies with a Thanksgiving theme? Holy shit. Besides diehard obviously don't have to. The third guy aren't all of these happened around Thanksgiving. That's sort of the message you picked the hardest one I think I can't think of any Thanksgiving. Maybe the ref. Like the ref with Dennis Leary. Was that Thanksgiving? Oh yeah, he was going to a parents thing for Thanksgiving. I thought Four Christmases was a Thanksgiving movie. Well, it's right there in the name Christmas. little hint. Yeah, Mr. Rap theory. Yeah. There's there's a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving was Mighty Ducks over Thanksgiving break hockey tournament. I mean, it's a crap question. Let's face it. The communists on Thanksgiving day? Yeah. Oh, that was yeah, that was Mighty Mighty Ducks. Yeah, I thought that was read down. And part of the reason why they're available is because they don't celebrate Thanksgiving in the former Soviet Union. Yeah. They were like, dude, what? Just in a day for Thursday or communism land. Bring on the borscht? Yeah. My turn. Yes. holiday movies. What is a holiday that doesn't have a movie and deserves one. Wow. So we got Yeah. What holiday this is like the big ones. There's this one's for Thanksgiving, Christmas. We got new ones for New Year's. Yeah. Yeah. One for Valentine's Day. Yeah. Mother's Day, Father's Day. They all got movies. They all kind of movie Fourth of July. Arbor Day. Did Arbor Day get a movie? No, but I'm not sure Arbor Day has one. Now that you say that the Lorax was that Arbor Day movie makes for the trees. I think it's exclusively about trees. All right. What about Memorial Day? Plenty of work. Oh, you know what? Yeah, Memorial Day, but there's no like Weekend at Bernie's. That was over Memorial Day weekend. Labor Day or Memorial. That was a Labor Day. Labor Day. That's interesting. Interesting. So Memorial Day. We don't have Memorial Day weekend. Not enough One Crazy Summer then that start on Memorial Day. Labor Day was a big race. No one crazy. We know One Crazy Summer. You're right that that did. I mean, it was not? The film. The main character was not labored. It's not centered around it just happened. It just happened to go out there on Memorial Day. Interesting. Steve for the summers. Yeah, that's that's your one. That's your answer. Yeah. I think Memorial Day needs more movies. It needs at least one at least. tentpole memorial to and you know, and they could have it come out. Memorial Day weekend, boom. Oh, this Memorial Day weekend, coming soon. The film Memorial Day? No, I thought well, I another one. I think just really quick. You know, I think what Hollywood needs to do to just stay consistent. They need to have one for June tienes que tiene and if they hire just a bunch of white actors that we've already seen too many too much have to sort of center the storyline around and they come in and they just save a bunch of people of color. It's like nothing. I think that would be I think that would be very consistent for Hollywood. Like the execs love it. They'd be like, Oh my God, love. Give us 100 million and everything like that. Yeah, kind of the inverse of him. Right? Well, spit. So speaking of, you know, movies that could or should be made. What's the current status of your projects? What do you got going on? What's the what's the new stuff you're working on for? 2022? Trying to try to some another level. I mean, I've reached a zenith, this plateau where I'm like, what, what else? What else is there? I'm trying to write stuff to pitch to TV. Oh, cool. series this. Yeah, this. This. So this podcast is going to age very well or not? Well at all. Okay, so hold on a second. Yep. All right. I have a conspiracy theory that I would like to breathe into existence right now. So we're actually premiering a way through to this conspiracy. Congratulations listener. This is the first time you've ever heard this. Okay. Maybe All right. Is anyone familiar? Oh my god, we actually got jammed. The CIA jammed your it's because it's true. Go ahead. Sorry. Are you familiar at all with the movie pop star never stopped not popping, or no not popping. Never stop never stopping in December. Yes. Okay. In that movie at the big reunion show at the end, and by the way, spoiler alert, big, big change on the end, they have a fish singing and playing guitar. Okay. And I believe that was the inspiration for the masked singer. How is that a conspiracy theory? Where's the cover up? I thought you're gonna say that fish COVID. So hold on a second. I'm new to conspiracy to conspiracy theory. Gotcha. Okay, so I'm not I'm not gonna start with a fully fleshed out because feels more like a theory. I'm just saying I discovered something in the time space continuum, right. And you also have to have like, a cover up. But it's a good theory, though. It's a great theory. I think it's a fun theory to go with. So So are you feeling a little bit bad that it's not rising to the level of conspiracy theory? I actually probably feel like a lot of people who for the first time discover a conspiracy theory and reject it. And it's attacked. I mean, I'm not saying you should bat 1000 When you come up with conspiracy theories, I think we may have stepped up to the plate. First conspiracy theory. Boom, that's a base hit. I think if we put it on Snopes, it would be like yellow. I'd love to see your facts, like get a hold of this one. Yeah. Could be good. Okay. Next segment. All right. We will be back with our final segment here with our guests, Walter Masterson right after this. I have an idea for a food concept. And it is predicated on a grab bag. And the food is a surprise. It's a grab bag, and the food is a superb food as a surprise. You go in Yeah. And you say, you go up to the counter. I'm hungry. Hey, I'm here. I have a session in my belly. Yeah, I'd like to satiate the person on the other side. This employee says it'll be $15. Yes. They just say yes, yes, I'm hungry. And they just say yes, no, they give you $1 amount. Okay. $15. Yes. $15. It's actually brilliant dollars. Yes. Because you're gonna feel compelled to pay a little more because you think your food will be better, right? Because if you can't really get the $10 one because they do under the $10. One if they're offering now you don't see what's behind them. You just see Scoop, scoop, Tong, whatever. Okay, so it's a buffet like Chipotle, kind of, but you don't see it. Don't see it. Yep. It now is sealed. And it's consumed in such a way that you don't see what's in it. But you have to eat it. Whoa, right? Not only do you not know what you're getting, you don't know what you're eating until it's in your mouth. And maybe then you still don't even know it's gonna be good. Can you pay $3 off your next meal? If you can place every cent How do you deal with allergies? You have to disclose that people with allergies probably shouldn't go to the grab bag restaurant. Yeah. No, but it's just like a mystery. Right? Just you just want a price point and you get a container of food. We kind of fun though to have the reveal though to open it up. But no, really. No, no, no. I'm scooping you and I'm putting my mouth I'm like, Oh my god. This is amazing. It tastes like wasters with Greek yogurt, and guacamole. They're like yes, this is disgusting. No, no, no, no, no, I'll be good. I'll be good. Okay, yeah. Or, or you have one really bad. gross me out. grossed me out. But there's one bag a day. It's the gross outback. I've never eaten there. Well, I've never eaten there for a lot of reasons. Yeah. Oh, no. First of all, there's going to be a line no around and no two surprises are going to be the same, I think grand opening of this concept and Jamie standing there. Wait, they're gonna be like, he's literally just standing there by himself all day. And they're like, nobody wants to eat a surprise. date wrong. Really, it's gonna be amazing. And everyone's like, I've never putting anything in my mouth that I don't know what it is. It's the guest is going to be a surprise when you get back there. It could be $15 or 22 of content on the other side of the break. That's the question. All right, we are one subject left. I'm excited about it because it is one of my favorite things to do in my personal private time. And that is arts and crafts. So clockwise counterclockwise starting with Jamie, go. All right, right now as we speak. I have bad news. New York City has come under attack. But it actually did come under attack. So that's a little bit. That was Brooklyn. Okay. Brooklyn is not New York. Let me Okay, let's back up Manhattan because your your question the greater Matt, you really did write the question today when we had an attack yesterday, right. So, what I meant to say was the area of New York City between 42nd Street and 22nd Street and Fifth Avenue and Second Avenue came under attack like so. Yes. Murray Hill. Okay. Murray Hill came under attack. Okay. Okay. But it is up to you Walter Masterson to defend the city, but you're only given access to the contents of a fully stocked Michaels arts and crafts store. I know. I've already got it soft. Walter. How exactly do you arm yourself and defend that particular area of Murray Hill? Okay, so well Murray Hill can just burn just to the ground. I mean, you may not have been the best defender for them to call not a big fan. i Yeah. i Murray Hill. I think I would get a bunch of glitter. Just toss it around. sort of pretend that I'm doing something about it. Like Oh, no. Stop burning Murray Hill. And I would just throw clutter up like No, no, no, no, no. Why is this so big? Well, they're like, What was that guy doing with the glitter? Like, how's he trying to stop the terrorist attack and burn down but it looks so pretty. I dressed up as Batman. I can make a Batman costume and Michael's just as it's burning to the ground. Like don't worry everyone I solved some riddles. Now, glitter glitter glitter glitter glitter. I will say though, if all of the emergency vehicles that showed up and their lights are flashing against all that glitter. Oh, beautiful. Yeah, the thought of it is beautiful property values would go way up. I'm not sure that's the case. But I would say that if you did the big confetti like the so the reflective confetti before we get to your your solution, I just how far from Murray Hill do you go before you actually want to defend it? I mean, yeah, just just right. Right on the line there just as soon as we're done with Mary helped, like, alright, like the second step off. I'm like, Okay, now we defend it. Yeah, I challenge your hypothetical. Is the threat coming from within Murray Hill, or have they destroyed all other parts in the last place to save as Murray Hill? Okay, that sort of changes everything. It does. Really? Yeah, it was a very specific area. It was originally New York City, however, you tightened it up. Yeah. Boxed yourself in Right. Right. They took a subway in just pop up, and they just popped up and attacked from within. Okay. And he and I think the answer is we're gonna let it go. Right. We're going to try and protect the rest of New York and we're going to hit it with glitter. All right. So here's what I'm doing when I go into the Michaels. I'm taking every pin Jana that was available. Yep. And I am strategically placing them throughout Murray Hill exactly what I was going to do. I'm going to distract attackers. By pin. Jada's playing with pin yada so you're giving attackers bats. They brought weapons with them, right and then distractors now, hold on, first of all, burn Murray Hill down, you don't burn down a pin yada. You lose the contents Hold on a second. If they had pin Jada's they wouldn't burn anything down. Right. Think about the time it would take you when you went to get the pin Jada's and you have to actually fill depending on that felt filling opinion, why do you assume that? Yeah, I have to distract them. So there has to be something Kenyatta has. And while they're done with that, I'm also getting all the little googly eyes, all the stick and I'm placing them all around and they're going to feel as though they're being constantly observed. And as they look around the be like there's somebody over there. There's somebody over there, right? Yeah, I will have sharpened popsicle sticks that would have been available and turn them into you know, like a shiv. troubleshoots to stab some people. Yeah, that's actually the right answer. It's on the it's in a female playbook. Yeah, that was brilliant. Arts and crafts. So what is the best thing you've ever made with your hands? Woof love sweets. Oh, no, no, I meant like thing you made? Yeah, that's it's like some lyric that I can't think of off the top of my head about making love as a thing. What have I made with my hands? My hands. Yeah, these have gone these hands. I feel useless. No, don't feel useless. You know? Anything with my life. You've done something. I'm questioning so much after this podcast. You You You surely went through elementary school. At some point. You may think I made like an origami swan. Whoa, okay. But it was an it became a Christmas ornament. Okay, or like decades and decades. For your parents home? Yeah, my parents. Yeah. I grew up with my parents. Yeah. That seems like it's a tough thing when the sons only made an origami swan and we have to use that as the ornament year after year. Yeah. They're proud of me. It's like, how's your son doing? Is he going to like a? Any university of note? Nope. But it's 1/3 grade. You asked if it was at his parents house and I'm trying to think of the alternatives. Oh, it was international conference event is it done at his home? I made it in school and I took it home. And that was just I should have picked done and that was that origami swan. origami swan. Can't really make anything else though. Because then you can make a lot of things actually you can make canoes you can make all kinds of stuff, but I showed a soda nest with some yarn. Okay, that in an art class that had a swan had a nest. Okay, put it in the tree. And if you think about it, now it's lovely. Right. It's a swan does a swan nest in the high up in the tree? I don't think so. But yours does. That's okay. Yours did. Yeah. So arts and crafts two part question arts and crafts baby. All right. First part arts. Is there some other activity? That is a buddy pair like arts and crafts are like a Starsky and Hutch that you can think of how many people know this. I grew up as a graffiti artist. So I love doing some graffiti art. I just recently went up on my roof the other day and you know, painted on a canvas and I also spray painted all of my roof. No one goes on my roof of my building. So I was like, Cool. Let's do it. You mark some territory. Nice. Alright, part two. Part Two. Do you have heard of paper mache? What else can be more shade? Rice paper mache? Dammit. I thought you had him. I thought I had him. Like, you know what the problem is? I should have backed out of that question when I saw the diggin bowl because he's probably looking at Rice right there there when right for it and he's like, Okay, you didn't get me. Guess wins again? Well to where people can find you online. Go to my YouTube. So there's still you know, short, short form bits. Everywhere else Twitter Tiktok. Instagram. If you want like the law, the full length stuff, the meat and potatoes. Go to my YouTube YouTube Walter Masterson MASTERSON. That's my channel is Walter MASTERSON. Well, listen, Walter, it's been a treat having you on with us here on the comedy round table. Continued success. I have no doubt that you are in any danger of running out of source material for the foreseeable future. Well, thank you so much, and thank you for having me on. Thanks. Bye. Cheers.