J Chris Newberg returns to the Comedy Roundtable, with Walker Hays joining briefly before her set at the Punchline Comedy Club, where the episode was recorded live. Topics for the episode are Superstitions, Recipes for Disaster and Best Hashtags.
J Chris Newberg was one of the first guests on Comedy Roundtable and returns with his unique point of view and voice. He has appeared on America’s Got Talent, the Tonight Show, Jimmy Kimmel Live & Comedy Central. He has toured with Dane Cook and written songs for American Idol. His jokes have been heard on SNL, Late Night With David Letterman, Chelsea Lately and The Conan O’Brien show.
Walker Hays' stop at the Comedy Roundtable was cut short by her call to return to the stage for her second set of the evening, and we look forward to having her back for a full episode. Catch her performing live at a comedy club near you in the meantime.
J Chris Newberg
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This is a brand new episode of the comedy roundtable Jamie Bendel Jamie Hernan, Adam Hey at our lives to run again at the punch line a comedy club in the diner next door the world famous 24 hour landmark diner special episode make sure you pull up a chair. We have saved the space for you. Brand new breaking ground we are not only live but we have the first dual guest episode ever on bom bom bom Jay Chris Newberg Walker Hayes are our comedians that are joining us this episode. Okay, so here's what we do now. Kind of change up the show since last time you're on it. Okay, let's keep it tight. Like to keep people on there on the edge be uncomfortable by alright. Okay. And comedians are notorious for having zombie bios. Okay, I'm ready. So you can tap out anytime when you said like I've heard enough. Okay. I can also listen to the whole thing. Jay, Chris Newberg, I'm out. All right. Let's do it. That's how the pros do it. Walker. IMDB credits. Yes, actress casting director known for Mona Lisa smile, the Lonesome trail. And that's all that says. assumption of risk. Yeah. And then it wants me to get the app. Yeah, exactly. Which I haven't gotten. We'll see. You gotta go pro. Are you a pro? Are you not? I'm I'm actually the star of matrix. It's just not listed in the one that doesn't have the app version. So yeah, all right. Perfect. Well, at least three times as long as as Chris didn't even tap out. Well, I don't even know that I technically started it. And it's poor planning on my part. Alright. So the format of the show. Well, so first of all, we're here in Atlanta. Yes. What brings you to Atlanta. I'm here to work on I'm working on a television show for Fox called Crime Scene kitchen, a show about finding ingredients, also known as clues, and a kitchen setting crime scene. And the contestants have to bake something based on the clues that they were able to find in the kitchen. And I'm here to do host producing work. All right, so it's like an escape room for your belly. Yes, that's exactly way shorter than what I was saying. Does that work as escape room for your belly? Yes. To escape room free solve, solve the crime? Do you get to eat any the food I made the only two times I've went after the food. It looked way better than it tasted and both po got sent home. They like they made the Simpsons looking donuts. And I was like, how he asked, I'm in and I was like, Oh, I get it. They're leaving. Because? Yeah, since the theme that they're like, Okay, these guys are leaving. We'll let Chris. Yeah. So we'll come back. I have two more questions about now that you know that we're delving into a little deeper. Yeah. I have additional questions. I'm ready. So do you use a lot of crime related puns? I was instructed on day one from our host. If you right upon, you will no longer right. Oh, right upon and will only be one. Yeah, that's also Yeah, that's a limerick. So that would have been safe. That's what I was trying to do. See, like I I'm thinking in my head. appetizers are misdemeanors, right. Main courses are felonies. Yeah. Your entrees are capital offenses. Yes. And run rough edges, or would it be Leto files letter file? Nicely done? Yes. These chickens? were raised in solitary? Yes. Or maybe that's the veal. Oh, these are general actually hits the population chicken locker. So tell us about what you're doing here in Atlanta. I'm here to expand my mind and stages. That's it. Yeah, I'm uh, you know, I'm your basic, underemployed comedian. Yeah, we can talk about you. You've toured around the country. And you've and yeah, you're not you're selling or you're under selling your credits a little bit. But that's what I came here to get a big, beautiful, expensive home that I couldn't afford. You came to the right place. Well, I think I came to the right place at the wrong time, because they're now building condos around me starting at a million dollars. Like, Oh, am I still in New York? What are we what are we doing? Yeah, two years ago, you could have had that condo for 250. It's completely nuts. I'm just the housing bubble here is just insane. Crazy, completely crazy. On a separate note for anybody who's driven through downtown Atlanta in the portion where we call the connector 7585 come together and kind of roll through Midtown. Many of the new buildings tall buildings that are built right adjacent to the highway are stick built. They're all wood they're not concrete. Yes. And I find multi storey like 20 storey buildings built out of wood scary. Sketchy as can be it just takes one pothead falling asleep with that joint too close to the you know beam for hurricanes here kind of Yeah, the hurricane is certainly enough when the tornado roll through downtown. It's apparently because of the cost of lumber relative to the cost of concrete at the time. It was briefly much cheaper to build wood sticks than it was with bricks, okay, is that not a building podcast sticks, sticks and bricks, that's what they call them build stick build. If I came out of my million dollar condo, and the termite guy was laying the traps around the building, I would feel very uncomfortable about where I lived. Good point. But is it weird that since Jamie said pawns every time you guys say termites I hear Turner certain. Oh. Can't help. It definitely is. missing out. I heard that people that speak in puns have brain damage. No, I'm not even making that up. Google that they people have brain damage. Yeah, there's their brain functions. Wait. I don't know. That. That sounds like Damn it. No. I think it's a fantastic. It's an art. I mean, a lot of people like it's the lowest form of comedy. But if you're good at it, and you're fast as are you think, oh, yeah, I had a friend who texted me today who's in advertising. And he asked me a question about country songs about banking, about breaking up with your bank. So this is about somebody breaking up with a big bank. Okay. Just while I was standing in line to check out at the supermarket. I came up with the following. I thought you liked me. But every time I checked, there was no interest. Right? I would have I would have done a better play on check. I was busy making deposits, but you are withdrawing. Oh, it's also good. Yeah. Just when I needed you, you bounced. All right. So in the interest of saving our listeners from actually everybody's in perfect content. Alright, so what we just told us is that you have suffered a brain injury. Did you come up with a thing? I'm 0.13% interested? Why? God, I'm wearing a condom. So it's sort of like I'm safety depositing in your box. Oh. Like that? Yes. I'll be your 401k you'll get out of me what you put in remix penalty for early with our logo, remix version, I'll be your 401 K. Okay, that's, that's country themed. Alright, so we do Lightning Rounds. It is three topics you get to pick which you prefer. The topics are a recipe for disaster, as it turns out, best hashtags and superstitions stations. All right, we're gonna go superstitions clockwise, or counterclockwise counterclockwise counterclockwise. Starting with Jamie. You're walking on a sidewalk. You're holding a mirror. when out of nowhere Black Cat darts in front of you. scares the hell out of you, causing you to drop the mirror shatters into 1000 pieces. You fall to the ground, landing right on a crack in the sidewalk. And you look up and you've landed behind a ladder. What method do you use to reverse all that bad luck? You just generated? What method? Do I use? The Triumph cycle? Yeah, okay, so it's what it's seven years bad luck for a mirror mirror. Amen. Now we broken my mother's back, which isn't really my problem. So I don't really necessarily have to do it. Yeah, that's, that's just unfortunate. I guess I send a text my dad, right. Seven years of bad luck. Gosh, what happens in seven years? I mean, I feel like there will be gone. That's a good question. Like we live. So, superstition that reverses bad luck. Like, you know, the typical knock on wood like the Udo reverse cards. Knock on wood. It's good luck. Cross your fingers. What are What did you just what I would do then is I would I would take the cat and I would get the cat a new home. And that would be my foray into Yeah. Like my philanthropic deed. Yeah. Your karma has gone through the roof. But that's what I would do. I would quickly do something with the cat that doesn't involve me skinning it. colonic get it all out. Get all the shit out. Yeah, yeah. We'll clean your shit. All right. A lot of us know a lot of superstitions. Do you have any justifications that you have that are not quite super, super. These are just things I believe. Yes, I am a very big believer that you shouldn't put purses on the floor because it means that you won't have any money. Oh, I like that. I'm gonna have respect for the vehicle that carries it. That's a good one. Very good one. And he just left super but just fishing just dishes. It's so bizarre. I only drink out of plastic cups at home. Because when I used to work at a bar, I would never trust the glass washer. So even though I own glasses, and my girlfriend drinks out of glasses, I just I have to drink out of red cups or just plastic cups. I should sneak out your window I do some comedy and then I'll come. We'll be here when you're done. Alright, don't talk about me when I'm gone. Don't forget your phone. Have a good set about that Walker. Right, right. Oh my god Walker. Okay, hitting the mouth on that one. Wow. All right, my turn superstitions. Yes. All right. If you were going to create the Justice League of superstitions. Who are they? Which superstitions make the justice? Which are the Superman Batman? We're talking like 63. Okay, three, neither give me the three big ditional stations. You don't want to go fantastic for that made it really? I mean, they really are super. Do you mean? Like, if you chew gum, it'll be stuck in your system for seven years? Like could that be one of them? If you thought I was thinking more in terms of like, a phobia possible? Okay, right. Those are phobias. What's that? Not superstitions. I think we're talking about you know, I was thinking the ladder and get Could you imagine if that was an evil would that that was an evil villains and that was their go to move that he was just like, the cat man. Maybe actually is his, his baggy name is superstition. And all he would do is make mirrors and black hats. black cap people. Okay. I will show Gordon we'll call the big three. I would say referring to the Shakespeare, the Shakespeare that play or whatever it's called. Instead of saying Macbeth, yep. I would say bless you after you sneeze otherwise, you'll you're gonna die. Right? Breaking your leg. Yeah, and I would say break a leg. Yeah. I was gonna say break a leg instead of instead of the origin, which of course is get cast. Is that true? That is true. Oh, I didn't even know that. That's because if you everyone's like, why did they say break a leg because if you break a leg, you're going to get cast. I never I always heard it was that there was a leg on the curtain or something. And then it was going up and down so much that you broke the leg. This is my big three. So you could it's 100% Yeah, I'm not. I'm sticking with your big three. It's a much cooler story. Yeah, I guess versus the curtain. All right, that's gonna do it for our first sequence of questions. We'll be back with more of the comedy roundtable in just a moment. Favorite Stevie Wonder song. Superstition. Yep. But he didn't mention any superstitions in there. Which is interesting. There is superstition. Writing on the Wall. What are the writing's on the wall? step on a crack breaking mother's back. Is it superstition or superstitious superstition? No, that's a good thing. Very superstition, superstitious superstition, very superstition. That doesn't make sense. No, it doesn't. Why would you say that? Because you just saw it. I didn't think that it didn't make sense. You know, the awesome is if there were superstitions, things that you own. So sTUPID, sTUPID, sTUPID, sTUPID stitches. You know, it's a stupid stitching. step on a crack break your mom's back? That's a stupid question. That's a total stupid question. Because there's no correlation. None between stepping on a crack and you're bringing your mom's back. First of all, think about how long moms were around moms preceded cracks, right? Right. Obviously, it didn't immediately start it didn't start until the cracks came along. The moms were fine until the cracks came along. Then people started stepping on the cracks. That's when the backs when that sounds so stupid. So stupid. Okay, so let's, we'll roleplay that out. Okay, let's go back to approximately Let's conservatively say 800 BC. Okay. 800 BC 800 BC. Actually a great time to be alive. Yep, there were mothers. Lots of moms. Okay. Doctor Doctor. Yes. I believe my wife's back is broken. Oh my god. What can be the source of that wrong? Impossible. There are no cracks, right? They don't exist so we have to rule out a broken back can't be a broken broken back. She's fine get up I'm a medical doctor. No but I really think her back is broken. I don't know get up you're not we have that we can rule that out immediately. Stupid stitches stupid stitches. comedy roundtable being recorded this episode live always like the live ones better. We are here into the punch line comedy club in Atlanta, Georgia in the wonderful landmark diner. It is a little landmark here and Buckhead area of Atlanta. There is one of the many around proms that takes place. Great to see the kids and adults out in their prom finery. You run your ROMs all the time. There's a group right there and your your first thing your theater of the mind. Oh yeah. theater of the mind. Okay. Nobody knows. That definitely looks like a prom total prom. Yeah, absolutely. These kids are having a great they look good, everybody. It's such an exciting night for people not to be a problem. We are here with our guests. Walker Hayes and Chris new ergh very talented comedians both working in Atlanta Chris is here in town working on a new game show that we can see where on Fox Fox All right two remaining lightning round question subject matter headings our best hashtags or recipe for disaster should we live Walker decide or no Walker Kansas died this week while we're on the air and while we're recording that you guys can edit this out will when I get back or before I leave, if you guys have the internet, will you three do my podcast? I love that. Okay, we'll set it up. Edit that out. All right, that's hashtags recipe for disaster. I'm definitely not editing it out. You asking us to be on your front. Oh, good. So the hashtag is recipes for disaster may have an example or best hashtags. Best hashtag categories is a recipe for disaster. All right recipe for disaster starting with Jamie. All right, which three people could you put together in a room to cause the most comical disaster? Ronald McDonald, Dave Thomas and Long John Silver? Oh. Can you imagine amazing done the Burger King still standing outside. Please be it but I lost all respect for the Burger King. Like once he had like elephantitis of the skull. Yeah. Do you remember when they just like blew his head up? Yeah, it was bizarre. I don't know why they made that choice. It was a weird choice. There was a health condition move. No, no, that you can't take advantage of with marketing either. They involve them in a lot of weird marketing, like, I know is a good answer, everybody. But I mean, that's a good answer. The crowds. Love it. All right, Adam, what do you got? All right. If you have one recipe that you make, and you had to win over people, you're walking into kind of a disaster situation, but there's a recipe that you make to try and calm the waters. What is it that you make for people? So I take my great grandfather and great grandmother's from casino Italy's meatball recipe. I slightly remix it. Basically it is meatballs, but it's like sort of a hatted meatballs. So I take it's a, it's a 50% traditional sirloin. And then I add for the other 50%, three parts, pork, lamb and veal. I mix them all together or using bread crumbs, obviously, two eggs, and then I put scallions in there. After I put the scallions and I mush them all up together. I also add red onion, and I take the red onion after they're all muck together, I put them into the ball scenario. I slightly brown them on the outside by swatting them after they're sauteed in olive oil only. I then put them on the baking pan, and I put the parmesan cheese sprinkled all across and put a dollop of marinara on and then I take three separate cans of sauce. I take a traditional Ragu, I take a vodka sauce. Yep. And then I take a marinara sauce and mix those three sauces together. And I make sure that one is Ragu and two are the other different brands, like a Newman's or like, whatever other kind. Yeah, and then I have the sauce simmer. And I also cut regular tomatoes and I mix those with stewed tomatoes. And I take the end of that and leave that on the pot. I put the meatballs into the oven for 15 to 2350. Okay, I take the meatballs out. And I let them simmer and cook in the sauce till they're finished for five more minutes. And then I just start collecting checks because I know they're good. Boom. Start collecting checks. How is your fast going right now? Yeah, that is amazing. That sounds so good. That is a disaster cure. Yeah. If there ever was one. Yeah, I think it's worth noting. Were you just going to say Adam, although you all know it by the time you listen to this episode. is past the 25 hour mark. Yeah, I've been fasting for a little bit one tea five. Food question was it was a pain call of your how you're going for three days? Yeah, to make it easier for you on the fast I'm going to edit everything that Chris just said there and all it's gonna say his answer is just gonna be Ragu. No, no, no. Actually be writing down that. Awesome. Literally, it's like my great great grandparents but I remixed it right? Like saw Tang it. It sounds incredible. Here's my my question as it relates to a recipe for disaster. Yes, disasters are never good. No. So why would have anybody taken the time to write down the ingredients for something that the recipe for a disaster because the Wi Fi was down? Because they wanted to learn from it to avoid it again in the future? Because you know, someone has Googled how can I make the worst thing hashtag poison my wife, I'm going to need a recipe for the disaster. And the Wi Fi went down they're like fuck I need to write this. I should probably write this just in case it happens again. Is it more wives poisoning husbands or husbands? Boys? Any wives? What do you think it depends on the city does geographical? I think so there's a fatality. So hang on a second geographic. This is going to be broadly stereotypical in my answer. That's good. But I would say that the wives who poisoned husbands, their recipes are far more elaborate. Yeah, yeah, man. It's just Oh, I just found poison, but also at the same time. Why does my water tastes weird? Because it's full of poison. What kind? I don't know. It just says it's poison doesn't matter. Do you remember the movie sliding doors? Yes. Yeah, he did. He put a lot of work into that. And he just didn't get it done. Right. That was very elaborate to the point where it should have worked. Yes, again. And I think that's the thing if you go for the slow, long poison, you got to get frustrated at some point you're like, I really thought I'd be seeing more results. So I think slow, long poison gives you the time to rethink your relationship. Yeah. Okay. Also, common question that we haven't even talked about, but it's specifically for you Adam. Time goes by so very slow. When you are fasting, oh, well, plaids. It's a Lemonheads lyric. Very nice. isn't really a limit. That's a good one. Boy, I think, oh boy. I think it's like if you literally it's a really fun lemonhead song, but that's it. Check it out. All right, that is the end of round a numeral two s one left to go that I think is gonna have something to do with best hashtags. Don't slide away. Jamie Jamie Adam J. Chris Newberg and are from Kings and Queens. We'll be back right after this so I have good news. Okay, a lot of good news. I am going to get to update my bio. Oh, wow. I am officially a grandfather. No. Although I sent me that sound disappointed. I would be like the wrong idea. They like want me to release this episode in 10 years. Yeah. Anyway, yeah. My episode of The Walking Dead. Eric. You were an extra right. But you were dead in the scene. That in the same boom, seen my face? Yes. character comes in my face. Yeah. Right by the feet. I got like, I don't know, maybe maybe 1520 seconds of screen time. So this is like framing your bigger storyline down the road. He's dead. I'm dead. No, but this is like a future look. So they can. That's what happened to your character at the end? No, that was that was it. I was my characters was alive in previous episodes. But the actual actor was playing and I got to play another actor. Oh, wow. Because I looked so much like them. So that actor couldn't play it because that actor is dead. So apparently what I learned and again, I don't want to lift curtain on how Hollywood works. Apparently they will pay a rate for the live actor when they need live actors skills. Then they will pay dead extra rates and not make live actor lay around and pretend that they're dead. Interests. You're underselling the quality of your dead actor skills. You know what I learned? They wouldn't let me be dead with eyes open. I had to be dead and eyes closed. I tried to go dead i open. But no, they're like, and I don't even think they call me by my name. It's because he kept winking at the camera, though. Well, listen. Yeah, give me the charm. iser my moneymaker. Yeah, right. Leaving that vendor charmer? Who's the dead guy on to that real actors boot. So that brings it back behind the scenes a little bit. Okay, you're dead? Dead? Are you actually thinking thoughts while you're dead? Are you method acting dead? And when people saw you in the trailer before you're like, Can't talk dead? No, there was a lot of dead talking. Okay. Did you get to eat from the same table? Oh, there was craft services. But little awkward when you're dressed up as you know, you're all costumes. I mean, I had prosthetics and all kinds of stuff. totally covered in blood. Okay, so it's kind of hard to eat because you could smear your makeup or something. Well, and I also didn't know how long it would be shooting and I don't know what the dead guy rules are for any the bathroom break. Oh, I didn't want to be in a long shoot and to be like, I know I'm supposed to be dead but bladder is still full. Bladder still working. I heard something the other day that when you die, your body releases all the fluid does unsynced hers. If unsynced do you think's funny every time I fart I'm worried about unsprayed during the night. Yeah, I know. Right? It's true. The opposite of you know, you got to put on clean underwear because it gives you get in a car accident. Not if you're dead is the motto of the Boy Scouts don't trust the fart. Never trust a fart. All right, this is our final segment here of this episode and depending on how long it goes, we may be rejoined by Walker Hayes comedian who's terrifically funny. So if you see her name on the marquee someplace, go check her out as well. But also she has the name of like, like a 1970s former circus host Indeed, who is hosts Walker Hayes? I love that dude. He's so good at pool. Yeah. Or share. Like an old west sheriff who carries a stick? Yeah. What's your name? Oh, Walker Hayes is the sheriff of this town. That's hashtags is what you're down to. So best hashtags, starting with Jamie. Alright, multi part question. All right, what would be the best hashtags you could use for the following events in your life? Number one, losing your virginity. Hashtag gone in 60 seconds. Nice. Number two, a cousin goes to prison. Which one? Hashtag which one? Alright, number three, you get a clone of your favorite dog. I want to do the answer to that one. Good hashtag. Now I'm divorced. And number three, you get a clone of your favorite dog, but just don't like him as much as the last one. Not quite as Old Yeller? Well, I didn't actually get the tag part. So I had best hash. And I thought we were talking about hash browns or hash like a breakfast food. So let me go ahead and ask you. Where are you on the hash hash brown grits controversy. Ah, I you know, like, I think that there are certain like, low low bar restaurants who excel at hash browns like I have is gonna have as they come in those bricks. It's like the brick of hash brown. Yes. And that's cool. And then I like I love that. But like I get disappointed when higher quality establishments such as the landmark tried to thicken the like the browns. Yes. And it's like maybe like, it's like an offspring of a scallop. Yes. Or they do the chunkier potato or they just like take Redskins. Diskin them. And then like those are what they call them. Some of them like power potatoes, or like, yeah, like a, like, Hato skillet or something that they like, no, it's just a hash on it. Yeah. But it's also a view. If you get the hashbrowns of the store and you throw them in the airfryer. They come the closest to IHOP. Yes, because you have no confidence that you should be existing when you eat them. Right. Exactly. When they're shredded. hashbrowns. Yes. It's only like a third of them get browned. And then there's a bunch of slick sided, naked. That gives you the basic texture. Oh, I think that's interesting. So when I go to those restaurants often and I know there's a shredded hashbrown coming. I will ask for them extra crispy. Yeah, well done. Well done. Or extra crispy. Yeah, that very reason. Yeah, give me more crusted sides. Every time when I was waiting tables, and someone would ask for shredded hash browns extra crispy, I would say Well done, sir. Well done. I mean, you're just killing it. Great damage. This by the way, we should all be so brain damaged as to come up with good puns. Oh, my God. I mean, like validation that it's bringing, you don't need to go to the doctor know that the interweb lets you know that your comedy is horrible. You're dying. Jamie gave me this scenario in which he was creating how he were creating hashtags. Right? Right. Okay. Could you envision a world where you give the hashtag? And people give you back the scenario? Could I envision it? Could you do that? Do you think you could pull that off? So you want a Hashtag? Hashtag what would be the situation to which it applies? Not the situation you make up hashtags do it the opposite way. Who's given this? Hashtag spoiled eggs. All it is is hashtag spoiled eggs. Now somebody else has to come up with the circumstance for which that? Yeah, okay. Hashtag was I didn't have children. And I'm 50. You go Adams played before? All right. Well, that's a good spot to end this round of this edition of the comedy roundtable has got to get on stage. We got to wrap it up here at the punch line. Confirm you guys will do all right. No, no, but I'm just saying you guys will do my podcast. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Be happy to. Alright, you've been a great guest. We live out here. Thanks for having me. We're gonna get up to see what George I think George is up now. Oh, great. Where can people find you online? If they're looking for you at the Chris army on social media, meaning instagram or twitter. Awesome. Thanks, man. Thanks for having me. All right, for Jamie, Jamie and Anna. That has been another episode of the comedy roundtable here at the punch line comedy club in Atlanta, Georgia. Come and see us sometime. For Adam and Jamie soon