Brad Upton - Comedian/Actor/Writer seen on Dry Bar Comedy (Recorded Live at the Punchline Comedy Club)

Ladies and gentleman, comedy roundtable these are great questions. Yes, good comedian a math question. Really good question. Thank you. This is so much fun, you guys. Oh, that is a good question. And that lightning round was so fun. That's a really good question. comedy fans Khan versation enthusiast. It is a brand new episode of the comedy roundtable. Pull up a chair settle in. We have a great conversation for you this episode. Let's get this party started. Jamie Pendel Jamie, Hernan Adam. Hey look at you getting in on the game. I appreciate that. Usually, you're so negative about him giving me the big intro. I just figured people deserve to hear it in stereo. I didn't even know that our podcast was available in stereo. Yeah, it is actually. And actually, if you put the SAP button it's available in Spanish. We have saved a cheer for you, our listener and we've also saved to cheer here at the roundtable for our guest this evening. Brad Upton joins us on comedy roundtable tonight. We are here in the landmark diner immediately adjacent to the punch line comedy Club. Brad just got offstage. How do we feel about this episode? Good. still sweating. still sweating off stage? Yes. Yeah, it was fun. I have to tell you, anybody who knows anything about comedy knows when the headliner goes and grabs a bar towel because they know they're going to be sweaty on stage. That is a veteran. Veteran move. They asked me what do you need? You need anything? You need a writer? I were writer. Give me a Bartow. That's all I need. I thought this wedding was because you were nervous about being a comedy roundtable. I didn't know about I didn't know the format. Now. I'm starting. I got it. Yeah, I brought the towel. The towel is at the table. All right. Well, so we're excited about this tonight. For those who are unfamiliar. What is dry bar? What are those specials meant for people who have done them? Well, dry bar is a it's out of Provo, Utah. It's a they squeaky dry bar. A dry bar is a bar with no alcohol. So it's the big Mormon owned company. And they're specializing in clean comedy. And I didn't know what it was when I first taped it. I taped over the very first ones. And then it was a year later before it went viral. And mine blew up big. Like the I got 12 million views and 48 hours. Wow. Oh my goodness. And the the one tape that still floating around out there is still about 88,000,001 set. And they told me it's the most watched stand up video ever will allow. I took your word for it. And then what I have 200 million views on there. So all of a sudden, I mean, that's a lot of eyeballs on you and people. You're great. I've just discovered like I've been around for 35. Where are you been here the whole time? I've been here the whole time or the last week? Where do you coming to? When do you come to Cincinnati? I've been coming to Cincinnati for last 30 years. Cincinnati twice a year? For 30 years, 30 years? Now you're asking when I'm coming to your town. So what I would argue is you take experienced veteran comedians, and you give them an appropriate platform, right and the material. I mean, you know this business, there's a lot of really good comics. So it's not big names. But they're great comics. And that's what dry bar has done is it gave all these people some exposure to a much bigger audience. And I've told people I had a bunch of comedians said you shouldn't be doing this. And this I go look, when mine blew up four years ago. I was like, I'm 62 years old. There's no 10 year plan for me. Right. I'm almost done. Yeah. So I go. It's been a very nice career validation. Absolutely. My career Absolutely. All of a sudden get recognized. And it's been very nice career validation. I'll tell you what's been very odd about the dry bar experience, though, after I mean, I started doing full time in 86. And that stuff blew up about four years ago. So I've been doing comedy full time for 32 years, right. And you think nothing big ever happened for me. But so every night I went on stage for 30 plus years, the audience generally doesn't know who I am, right? Don't have any idea. I go up and then I exceed their expectations afterwards. They're like, Oh, my God, you are great. And I'm right. I'm doing well. So now the last four years, all of a sudden, the audience knows who I am. And they're familiar with my material. And I'm going on stage. I hope I meet their expected right. And it's a weird mind thing after 32 years of walking on stage every night going, I'm gonna blow these people away. Yeah. And now I'm going up. I hope they like me. Yeah, as much as they liked me on mine. So it's been mentally it's kind of an odd thing to to adjust. It's true. Yeah. And so are you are you finding that people want you to do certain material? Like yeah, that's another thing too. I mean, you guys know comics that you've seen a bunch of times and you know, their material, but you still want to see some of their best bits. You just like their best bits. And that's still the thing is a comic. I don't know what that answer. Do I give him the greatest hits? Right, or fresh stuff or all fresh? Yeah. And I think it's, I don't I never know the answer to that. Really. Once you have your version of Freeburg. It's all that family stuff I do at the end. They're talking about my kids and all that family stuff. I like to keep that and I like it myself. Yeah, I think it's the best written stuff that, you know. So I believe that and I'm like that I'm leaving that no matter what, right? It's signature Dirac Yeah. All right, well, so we're going to introduce our subjects. So you're gonna get three topics, okay. Of the three topics, only two are going to be used in the show. Okay, so you're going to pick from these three. They are kids these days. 100% true. Or still pissed? Oh, I gotta pick those probably pick one. And then we'll get and then we'll leave the other two for the next rounds these days. Kids these days. All right, kids these days, starting with Jamie. So if you could send one age group of children into a worldwide hunger games to whittle down the pack, what age group would it be? Ooh, boy. I don't know what they all fail. I don't know. 15 To 2015 to 20. Yeah, right. They're high school kids perfect that age to they can't drive at all. Oh, my God, terrible drivers. Because Driver's Ed do I don't know about Driver's Ed used to be taught in school. Right. And they don't care if you pass or fail. Well, now they have I don't know what it's like in the state of Georgia. But you know, they've made it private. And all these schools. All they do is teach these kids to pass a test. Yes. My question. What's something that has been discontinued from when you were a kid that you really wish they'd bring back for today's kids? Driver's Ed? That's a good one. There's so much stuff. Oh, I talked about No, I can't say that. I was gonna say swat them in school. Are you saying send the police to their house based on false accusations? If your primary numbers Yeah, yeah, bring a SWAT team a SWAT team. That would be taking a little far with the teacher to smack with a ruler back with the ruler bring a guy in with a paddleboard. So this would be my question. How far into the future? Would you have to go before you would look back fondly on the kids of today? Oh, boy. Probably 20 years, maybe because I think some of the kids are going to rise to the top. I mean, you're gonna see some kids that succeed, right? And then you'll go, Oh, those are all good kids. And then you forget about all the ones that aren't what do the kids in 20 years look like? They got to be like, the bar kind of keeps getting. Right in England. It's just ages and like, it'd be like just crazy. And I see like Mad Max type stuff. Right, right, like collars. And he sent all the 15 to 20 year olds into the Hunger Games. So they survive that the ones that survive the driving. Right, right. Haven't you know, killed themselves in a car accident? It's a weeding out process at that point. So it's a pretty slick group of survivors, right? Those kids probably don't even exist, right? They just they just hooking into whatever internet there is and living vicariously online? Do you think 20 year is 20? What is the mark of a generation? Is it 20 years? Roughly? What's the demarcation line from General? 10 to 15 years? 1520 years? Yeah, enough for you to everything changes just slow enough to go. These I hate what they're doing. Now. You I mean, Fashi and stuff like that. It's about 20 years when the next group starts getting annoyed with the next group. The next group. Yeah, that sounds about right. Right. Because that's about that what the fashion hair right tattoos, Inc, all that crap. You know, you're like, these idiots look like, you know, they're just just slowly changes over about 20 years. Yeah, so I think that's probably about right about a 2020. The child that's born today, yeah, will be viewed somewhat negatively by the 40 year old of tomorrow. Right? Right. You think about like, to your point about teachers and kind of how the kids of today treat their teachers right and how that discipline level has kind of gone down. Like, what does the 20 years from now kid look like? He gets his first job and just goes Go fuck yourself, boss, right? Yeah, like that's almost we're almost there. Now. He's like, Yeah, if you don't let Yeah, well, you have the pleasure of letting me work for you. Yeah. I just talked to a gal about a week ago. She works for Zillow as she manages 15 Gen Z kids on her staff and she said a kid came in and said My roommates cat died I need a week off and she said I had to give him a week off because the roommates cat died and he was really upset and his roommate was upset she couldn't deny it. Did he kill the cat? No. Okay. But if you want to go to but we could say my roommates cat died. She goes I had to get she went cat No, nobody misses work. Wasn't your cat was involved. She goes I can't that's all the things I want to do as a cat. Your roommates cat. No, you don't. But she said I had to. HR says Well, if he's seems like he's mentally stressed, then you got to give him the time off. She goes unbelievable. To people get upset about cats Dine, sometimes it's party time. I just don't believe that people mourn cats. I would make him tell one nice story about the cat. Like I'll give you the week off. If you can tell me one thing redeeming about the catenate if your dad dies, your grandma dies. How much time do you need off? We took a week for a three year are your roommates dead for that job. It's your job you're supposed to show up and your job. So what if those are the gaps in your resume? To be like, Why is there a three year gap? And it'd be like I was extremely close to this dog. Like, I need to we need to sit Shiva for the cat. Technically, I was on his payroll, though. So it's not a real gap, right? Being paid, well, maybe medical It was either that or there was gonna be a lot of disappointed homeowners with their Zestimate. I'm just so depressed house isn't worth anything. Why would anyone want to live there anybody wants to be here? Down 40% in value, this woman has a cat door. Don't want her way too far. We'll be back with our next segment here, the comedy round table. Our guest this episode comedian Brad Upton for Jamie, Jamie and Adam, we shall return. So I have become the recipient of the three date night hookup offer, which I did not know existed in longer term relationships. My wife and I will have a date night planned. She will get out of the shower, come find me wherever I am in the house. And then we'll say would like to do this now. Or when we get home? And I always have the same question. And that is, if I choose now. Do I still have to go? My daughter's are dating, which has been exciting. All three of my girls are now dating. And so the stereotype is that we are often drawn to the opposite gender parent. So men, we are often attracted to women who remind us of our mothers and ladies, you often are drawn to people who remind you of your fathers. So my girls keep bringing these boys home. And I find myself asking the same question. And that is Is this what you think I don't see myself at all. I have one daughter who has only had one boyfriend. And they have been together now for four years. And I think that's far too long for a first boyfriend. So I am encouraging her to see other people. And I am trying to break them up in a way that doesn't make this kid permanent. Because that's a very fine line that we have to tread as parents, right? So it's just she and I were riding in the car together. And I kind of launched into my spiel about why she should consider seeing other people. And she interrupts me, she says death before you go any further in your life. How many people have you hooked up? Said I'm not having this conversation. And she says not that seriously. Like how many people like I want to know people you really like good stuff with I don't know people like, like, if you did something to them, but they didn't do something back, that person doesn't count. So I said, Are you telling me that if you do something to the boy, and the boy doesn't do something back that that boy doesn't count? And she's like, No. And I said, this is the problem with common core math. She's like, being so ridiculous. Like, what's the deal? And I'm like, I'm not having this conversation with you. And she's like, I'm gonna keep asking you until you relate. And so finally ideas I gave in and I finally said to her I don't remember the number I told your mother I'm not having that conversation for a second All right, comedian Brad opt in is our guests here on the comedy roundtable. We are recording live here at the landmark diner, which is adjacent to the punch line comedy club in Atlanta, Georgia. Brad had a terrific show tonight. Two remaining subjects here for you to choose from Brad. They are 100% True. Or still pissed. still pissed. All right. still pissed. Starting with Jamie, tell us a story about a heckler that you've had to deal with in the past that when you think about it to this day, you're still pissed. Oh, a couple of them have come up on stage. No, yeah, I've never been attacked or anything but a couple of once they stand on stage that's they've broken that fourth wall you take all this guy's crazy he's on stage. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Right. I wish I'd hit both of them too. Be honest, I wish I'd knocked them both out. But oh, there's a bunch of heckler stuff that I'm still pissed about one night I had a guy he was just chirping from the site you could tell right away is this person drunk and having fun and don't know they're a problem right because this person drunk and being an asshole and trying to disrupt you recognize that right away. And this guy was just chirping from the side saying a bunch of crap and he was a bodybuilder and I turned to him and I said, How much do you deadlift and he told me and how much do you benchpress and he told me I was like, wow, I go wow, you know what I don't lift anything and I will always be six one he was about five foot five and he started come up on the stage right that after be in both the by that the bouncers are already behind him, because they were about to kick him out. And they just grabbed him and yanked him off and hauled him out of there. But wow, it was pretty fun. You will I will. I will always be I can lift weight and I don't lift anything. Yeah, what are you gonna do? Lift all you want you're always gonna be five foot five. That's right. What historic event are you still pissed about? Oh, historical event that I'm still pissed about? Seattle Mariners never made made it in the World Series. Only. I'm a Seattle Mariners fan. Yeah, the only baseball team never to play in the World Series. I'm still Griffeys and you think about some of those teams that went through the Martinez? Yeah. And we've never been to the World Series, the only major league team ever to play in the World Series. That is actually amazing. How do you get to be alive right now? It's keeping you alive. I can't die until that happened. How do you feel about the prospects? We're in the playoffs this year? Okay. Well, we are not yet. Oh, you gotta get him. We just got to get in the playoffs this year. And we are the of the four major sports the Seattle Mariners have the longest postseason drought of all four major sports right in 21 years since we played? Are you have you lived in the playoffs? Yeah. Since you played one playoff game, really? 21 years. So you lived in Seattle your whole life? Oh, yeah. So what about the Sonics leaving? I just was in Oklahoma City the other night they went Oklahoma. Yeah. You know what? still pissed? Yeah. Yeah. Kind of still hate the results. Who owned them. He ran Starbucks. And he he sold them to a businessman from Oklahoma City. Yeah, they immediately said we're gonna move and then he told the city of Seattle. I didn't know they were gonna move the team. Yeah. Really, really? Group of Oklahoma City. Really never gonna make it home games. Are you so? Yeah, right. And the Sonics were a successful title. Yeah. And they had great teams in the 90s. And then, you know, people in Seattle aren't even though that's Starbucks headquarters, necessarily for us now. I'm just actually. I'm thinking okay, that's super bowl. We're Marshawn marshana You guys. Made the Sonics leave. It's like you guys getting good at soccer? Team. That's really good. I don't care about soccer. Yeah, no one does sport except Jamie. But But still, that's a rough legacy for that towel. Okay, I'm still pissed about that. Nice. I'm sorry to bring it up. But it's like, that's a really you guys brought up two things. It pissed me off. Seattle fans might have more to bitch about than any other city? Yeah, that's painful. That's really rough. Yeah, that was rough history. Yeah. All right. So as we record tomorrow is going to be the burial of Queen Elizabeth, do you think that there is any appropriate reason for we always refer to now the what is the relationship called special relationship between the United States and England? I know there's a phrase, there's a phrase, but I don't know what the phrase is. Okay. Whatever that phrase is, if you could dub that in, you know, special friendship, or whatever they call it, where countries have conflict like that. At what point? Should they give it up and stop being pissed at each other? I don't think I've ever goes away, does it? I don't think it does just stay pissed. Countries just stay pissed at each other. Oh, yeah. They don't forget. I think it's one of those things that's inherited. Right. And it's one of those things that you're taught as a young person to hate that other country? Yeah. And I mean, my mom lived in Denmark during World War Two, and she won't like she still hates Germans. Oh, yeah. We're talking about a 20 year rule essentially, for kids. Right? Yeah, right to go. 20 years is okay. It makes sense that conflict exists if even if none of the actual people living there at that time had any conflict with each other? Well, I think it is a 20 year rule. So what they do is they create a new conflict within the 20 years to keep it rolling. Yeah, to extend it. When they're afraid, they get to the end, they're like this is probably going to solve and they're like, no, no, no, no, no, you got to get it through. Alright, we're going to take one more break, and then we'll be back with our final segment. One last bonus round question here with comedian Brad Upton comedy roundtable return in a moment. I like track and field. It's just not that popular with the general public. I'm thinking you want to spice that up. Let's let them run with scissors. heard that's dangerous is it? Let's find out you're also going to find out who likes to compete and here's the Bell Lab should get interesting about the equestrian events of course does all the work to get the metal to the writer that's bullshit says the sport the rich people does anything demonstrate them more than riding the backs of labor and then reaping the rewards that's an equestrian fans in here I read this resource and the four things men most worried about their own personal manatees their hair their penis size that make up I went man least I'm told you're gonna go to that last summer I will tell you a little bit about myself. I am recently a widower if everything went as planned misdirection I took you one way and I wanted to go. All right, final segment here on the comedy roundtable. Jamie Bendel Jamie Herndon, Adam Haig, our guest comedian, Brad Upton Brad, it has been a treat to have you here on the show. We have one remaining subject matter. Okay, we have a couple of other bonus categories that are on the sheet here that I can introduce 100% True or you can trade that in for what's behind door number one or door numbers which are time for battle or come on 100% True. Time for battle are all Come on. Come on. All right. Come on. Oh, boy. Starting with Jamie. All right. When audience members approach you after the show, what is the most passive aggressive thing that someone has said that just made you think? Come on? Oh, I think when they come up and try and give me Tell me how I should do a joke, or something that offended them? Absolutely. I'm punching. Yeah. Or they punch up the joke or they come up and then they say I like love your show love this love this love this less. But that one joke. They let that ruin their night, you know, and I just want to go Oh, come on. It's just a joke. Just a joke. They have to and I go What makes you think you have to go up after the show and let the artist know that you didn't quite please me. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's like, What? What? What's sad is that, yeah, that you'd have to go up and tell the artists, you did not make me happy. And the thing about comics, we're all trying to make people happy. Yes, we're very much. That's what we want to make everybody happy. And for you to come up and say you weren't happy. That hurts more than you think it does. Yes. You're just being an asshole. You just Yeah. Like, it's like people that comment shit on the internet is just scroll past it. I work on material every night. Well, and for you to be the guy who comes says you didn't appreciate right. But the odd part about it is that preventative thing. So if somebody came up before a show, and said, Boy, I love all the stuff that I've seen online, but I really don't like you might when you get to that spot in the show self edit, right and say I'll skip that joke for that guy. So well, it depends. But you know that there's somebody took the time to make mention, and you don't want to upset somebody. Right? So you might choose to say, well, because the rest of the audience wouldn't know. Right, right. But it's after the show. When somebody comes up and says, I didn't like that joke. Is it the thought that you will now remove that joke from subsequent shows? Right? Do you guys remember that joke that I've loved? It's got 50 million views on YouTube. But this couple didn't love the mind hated it. So check it out. So I don't tell it anymore. Right? No more Freebird Oh, that's a great little comeback. Be like, let me just get my time machine. Let me go. I'm gonna go back and actually edit that out for you until I didn't by all means I didn't want it. I don't I'm gonna tell it because I wouldn't want you to not have a fully incredible experience tonight. You can go to hell. Well, you know, I do i You saw my shoulder and I do a joke about sitting next to somebody very heavy on the jet. Yeah. And and then later on him my act, I make myself the butt of the same joke, which I think softens that joke. Yes. But if I have somebody right up front, that's really big. I won't tell the joke. I just dropped it that night I walk up, I will go I'm not doing it. Because I don't want that person to feel awkward if they're back in the dark. Or if I see somebody in the show that show 100 pounds and they're sitting back and they're back in the dark. I'll still do it. But if they're up close where I can see him, that's just me going. I don't want to do that to that person. Even though later in the act. I talk about me being getting on the jet where I'm the biggest guy on the right and the same thing happens to me. Right, but I just don't do it. Yeah, I just won't do it. Yeah, it is interesting. And I don't know that people who don't, who aren't familiar with getting on stage and putting a set together, right. Appreciate the amount of editing that can go on on the fly. Oh yeah. Constant making subjective judgments all with the intention of making the show better. You're, you're making decisions, hundreds of decisions a minute. Alright, Adam. So we, when we say, Come on, we I think about like, people cutting me off and saying, Oh, come on, and things that make my life a little worse. I'm gonna flip the switch a little bit though and say, What's one thing that would make your life a little bit better tomorrow? Like, what? something's gonna happen tomorrow, they'll make your life just a little bit better. What if I got upgraded on the flight home? Isn't that great? What's the best? Is this just a little treat first class lets people walk past and it's that little side treat that you're just kind of like not expecting it? And they're like, you know, sir, why don't we just go ahead and put you up here in first or they call you up? Mr. Epson, can you come up to the podium? Yeah, I'm not on standby. So this is gonna be good. And all these people that you were just sitting with and you were talking to and just having a pleasant time, you're like, bye. Talk to me. I'll take another Manhattan or the airport, just people that are going through security. The people that aren't ready when they it's finally your turn to put your bag on the right and you're not ready. Or you're not ready. Did you not watch everybody in front of you? So again, to be be positive? We like the people that are ready, right? Like the guy that has his computer out? Yeah, who's taken his belt, like three miles back and already untied a shoe or when you walk up the TSA and ask your ID Oh, oh, oh, they gotta dig right? You didn't you knew the i Why are you not? How long have you been? How long have you been? We've been waiting for 20 minutes cuz I will say that I do get TSA rage. Oh, so frustrated with I just can't believe that there are that many first time travelers. I'm the same way I am at the airport going through security. I hate all of humanity. I just go in a song. It's very quick. No, it's great. Because they can Yeah, the scanning works really easy. Yeah. You go to do the hands up thing and they're like, actually, you can just keep coming. Alright, so come on. I'm going to ask that in the question of if you could have the ability to invite someone to join you. Like, come on, what would be the thing that you would have somebody join you on? That's a favorite activity of yours. Oh, that's a good one probably traveled somewhere. I'm guessing. You know, I work on a bunch of cruise ships. Or not a bunch. I do several cruise ships. Everything goes up must be great. You go you're on a cruise by yourself. Yeah, it's it's almost a great time. And again, I don't want to complain because you're on a cruise and we get paid on cruise. But everybody goes, Oh, that must be great. You're on a cruise by yourself a lot better. There's someone with I call it loner with a boner. Yeah. You just You just you're all by yourself on a cruise. And everybody else is there with some boy. Yeah, they're having the time of their life. Yeah. And the person who came up to afterwards and said they were offended. You just see at the buffet and you see the pool? And you see Yeah, that's like, hey, look, I worked on that. Joe, can you sit down for a second? Let's talk about I got five minutes for you. So yeah, I invite somebody probably invite somebody to a cruise. What's the vacation spot where you say, you know, come on. What's it other than a cruise like, which was a city? That's actually I don't know, that's a pretty good city to hang out at? Oh, that's a good question, too. You know what I'm, I went to Israel a couple years ago. Jerusalem. I'm not a religious guy at all. I wasn't raised around. I'm just not religious. I'm an atheist, to be honest with you. So I'm done. I was fantastic. Oh, that's great. I had no I mean, I was blown away how cool it was. Yeah, that's, that's really great. And I was I've told people I want to go back there. That was so cool. I mean, just I mean, the history obviously that's there but not there for religious pilgrimage whatsoever. You're just there. Like this is cool. 1000 year old This place looks exactly like it did 2000 years ago. And that was I was I thought it was great. Except for the Starbucks. Yeah, it was nice. They have the thing they show you the path exactly where Jesus carried the cross. And there's ice cream machines and stuff like that. Yeah, I don't think those are out that RB shouldn't be here. All right. Well, those are our questions. Yes, episode. All right. So online if somebody wanted to see your dry bar clips and whatnot, what's the easiest way to track you down? Probably just my Instagram, Brad Upton comedy. There's a bunch of they're all there or dry bar. You can go to drive or you got to pay for that. But and then if you're on Facebook, they should pop up and annoy you all the time. Yeah, yeah. All right. Awesome. Appreciate it. Continue travel safe. Travels banks. Hopefully this is the year the mariners get off the Yes. The snide get in, at least to the second round. Yeah. All right. So for Jamie, Jamie and Adam and Brad as well. We appreciate you being here on the comedy roundtable puts chair back where you found it we will have another episode for you in the not too distant future. So hopefully we'll find you here around the roundtable with our comic guest See you next time.